DB Suggestions Thread

[hoosjim]

I just want agree with you on your Alpha point. It’s not about being macho, shooting guns etc. Its about knowing your value, being direct, decisive, leading and going for what you want in life without compromising your beliefs and values.

Yes, that explanation captures it pretty well, also.

I do want to disagree with your 4th point. Sandi is actually one of the ones who says she can’t ever remember anybody reconciling in in house separation and she’s been here the longest. I also don’t think she was ever in in house separation. Txhubby was for like 4 years and he admitted it almost killed him. So I would say that in 10 years here you are the only one that was in in house separation who didn’t almost die, it’s logical to say IHS rarely works.

Let me rephrase. I think you (and Sandi2, if that is her position) is technically correct that "in-house separation almost never works." However, I am not trying to say that "in house separation is a good idea"... What i am saying is that i don't think separation of any type is strictly necessary as a general proposition, even though i perceive that there are a number of people on here who are convinced and take the position that, yes, absolutely, there has to be a physical separation and, ideally, a long one, if there is to be an ultimate reconcilliation. Maybe i am overstating their position, but that is the impression i regularly received. If my take on their position is correct, i take issue with it, at least in the context of "Divorce Busting", as that position is not at all promoted in the DB-ing literature or in any other of MWD's writings/teachings. In fact, quite the opposite. Spend some time with one of the DB-ing coaches you can hire through the website... the paradigm is almost uniformly how to deal with and interact with your spouse while they are living with you. Separation, etc, is mostly seen as something to be avoided in the books, IIRC, and ultimatums leading to separation reserved for chapters like the TLRT. Where separation is the natural, preferred, or even necessary course (which can obviously be the case, every sitch is unique) I totally agree that in-house is difficult, painful, possibly counterproductive, and likely almost never the best option for a "separation." I just don't think that physical separation of any sort is as paradigmatically/dogmatically necessary as several other (somewhat vocal) folks on this board seem to think. In this regard I would offer up: Steve85 (no separation, in house or otherwise), Sandi2 herself (check her threads, there was never any physical separation or in house separation at all in her case), TxHubby (Not sure i would actually characterize his situation as an in-house "separation"-- more like in house "doing his own thing and pretty much ignoring his W"... maybe that's splitting hairs, idk, but never seemed like they were conducting any sort of "trial separation" or the like-- seemed more akin to my sitch,) and then myself. So that's four, at least, without even trying. My own sitch was definitely not an IHS, as w and i were "working on" our MR, or at least purporting to to one degree or another, for pretty much the entire time, and our physical "separations", which only happened in the vaguest sense when one or the other of us would leave the marital bedroom for a night or three or five, were fairly limited. Then again, our sitch was pretty unique in a LOT of ways, so much so i don't think i could synopsize it properly without reprinting my threads in their entirety (and maybe not even then as there are things that were left out of those)... and even as there are lessons to be taken from my journey, i am not sure i would use it as as a model for anyone as i sincerely believe the only thing our experience stands for in the big picture is that God is a miracle worker and that we reached our destination, unlikely as it seems and with all our missteps, mistakes, etc, by pretty much the only path we could have taken. All that said, i think my feelings on this are best summed up as follows: "DB-ing, as taught/formulated by MWD, does not require nor even counsel physical separation as being necessary nor even desirable when seeking reconciliation of a MR", and she has a lot of experience in this area, so i have to believe she has seen alot of cases of reconcilliation NOT involving separation beforehand. Maybe the WW syndrome (which MWD has never directly addressed) affects that calculus... but i think even then there is ample evidence that, even while separation might be more commonly beneficial in such cases, it is far from necessary.

Hope that clarifies my thinking...