A year on and standing

[may22]

Hi TS,

That is really interesting and congratulations-- that is probably a pretty major 180 for you. And I can say that I could imagine if I was in your wife's shoes, your calmness when I'm feeling out of control might be infuriating... but from a DB perspective maybe in a good way as it shows she's registering your 180. If that is the case, maybe continuing on your path of calmness and 180s is actually the better route than backing her up-- you are definitely the best judge of that.

But if I could make a tiny suggestion:

After the restaurant manager left our table, my wife mentioned that its she who heard wrongly. I told her I know. But looking at her reply and attitude, it does not seems that she is intending to apologize also thus just let it slide. No point holding on to it. Then my wife tried to bait me by saying "Well, her attitude is just like someone". I just let it slide and pretend I never hear that.

maybe instead of the "let it slide" elaboration you could have left it at "I know"? Validating and then staying out of it might help to *not* fan her flames? Being told to calm down and let it go when you're spoiling for a fight is like pouring gasoline on a fire (I've totally been there). Though of course you were right to step in when she was turning on the kids.

I used to think that the kids seeing their dad being an a**hole and me letting it slide was detrimental to them and so I called out his behavior every time. Now I just validate and generally stay out of it and not only does it happen way less frequently but it generally peters out very quickly after one comment rather than escalating. And, I'm not letting him use me as a foil for his anger and confusion.