As if that post wasn't long enough, I haven't posted any update and it feels like my sitch is on rollercoaster extreme mode.
The conversation initiated by W about me leaving never resumed. After she went out with her coworkers the next day, the following day (Friday) I went to a double feature at the movies. It is basically impossible to use the three tickets per week that come with the membership. W was standing at the door asking where I was going, why so early, was I going alone. I simply said I'm meeting a friend, see ya later, and closed the door. I did invite a new friend, but he couldn't make it. I was gone from about 5pm to 11pm. Anyway, W knows about my movie membership and assumed I was going on a date with a new "friend" to the movies. I only know this because her sister called me to tell me she had told her I was seeing someone and just went on a date to the movies, and that I had taken my wedding ring off. I did take my ring off a couple weeks ago (after she had taken off hers), because every time I saw it on my hand it was like a gut punch, even when I had managed not to be thinking about it otherwise. So into my nightstand drawer it went. I didn't even think of it like a signal I was going to date. Now I'm wondering if it was a mistake? I just didn't think much of it, sometimes I leave my ring off anyway, before all this. Regardless, W hasn't said anything to me about thinking I'm seeing someone (last year she did), just her sister. She has however made it clear she is tracking me on the credit cards when I go out and gave herself away that she was frustrated she saw nothing from my night out on Friday (because I have caught on to this).
On the potential OM front, I am still so far in the dark. I saw nothing suspicious all weekend, she didn't see anyone or go out, and I was honestly ready to declare on Sunday morning that the investigation has turned up absolutely nothing in a month, and it's time to consider the possibility that there really is no A. And then JUST in time, W finally slips, just a little. She went to the grocery store, innocent enough, but she was gone too long. When she got back, it turned out she had also gone to a sex store (very strange, atypical behavior. We have gone to one maybe twice that I can remember). Even more insane, she says they had a BOGO half off sale, and gifts me the other item! and says here's a coupon in case you want to buy more. ??? As we're standing there talking about this, within a few minutes of her getting home, her phone rings. She looks at it and says ugh, I don't want to talk to her right now (meaning her sister, who has been having her own drama over the weekend). I said, O, SIL about her sitch? And she said yes. Well, that was quite easy to verify. I asked her sister if she had just called and she said no. Finally, I caught her in a lie that was 100% proven. That said, it could mean nothing, who knows why she didn't bother or want to say who called. But then, she says her car has been having some trouble and she wants to go drive it around. She was gone for about 30 min maybe, I assume to call the person back. So that was definitely some very strange, red flag behavior. However, that is all I've got. I have been watching and watching for texting, phone calls, coming home late, etc and there is just nothing. I do leave her alone most of the time, but still.
Last night she called me on my way home from IC and asked if I could start dinner because she had got off work late and just now got to the gym. I immediately was suspicious, thinking she was finally getting lazy. I said I wasn't home yet but I can start the pot. She didn't ask where I was. She got home when she said she would and looked like she really had been at the gym, red in the face etc. She talked about her workout and who she saw there. Why she got off work late. If it's all lies, I give it a 10/10. And then she went to take a bath, didn't close the door, and then wanted me to come in and show me some new music she has found during all of her early bedtimes alone in her new bedroom (i added that part). I can confirm I hear her listening to this music and audiobooks she talks about. So there she is completely naked playing me all this music and showing me her phone to see the artists without seeming to be concerned about a message coming through or anything. Overall, she was acting really nice. She even said she had a good day and was in a good mood and had slept really well. No complaining about work.
She has been telling me about a new assignment and how she might have to leave for a few days in the coming year for exercises. But doesn't know when, only the months. The first one sounds like it will be within a month. Suddenly, it's not so convenient not to have a spouse home for the dogs. I do not know if she is accepting that she cannot force me to leave or if she has any uncertainty about it, or if she will come back demanding it again tomorrow.
My IC says I should give her choices, to make her feel less trapped, and she can be the one to choose. First choice is try to work things out, at least go to counseling and find a mutual agreement to R or D. Second, if she says no to one, then agree to D and I won't fight her on the house if she agrees to me not moving out until I graduate in May. Third, if she cannot accept anything other than immediate separation, then she is the one to leave. I mostly agree with my IC that there is no real way W can make me leave any time soon. In answer to one of Sandi's questions, W has an obligation to support her dependents and gets paid more to do so. IC says D takes 3 months, I assume this is after you file. If W wants no lawyers, she will have to do all the work of filling out the paperwork first and itemizing everything. And I know it is often rejected for silly revisions that must be made to form. So by the time we are even D, it will probably be pretty close to me graduating. Of course, W only cares about her emotions, and wants me to vanish overnight, that is all she will accept. What I do not agree with IC on, is presenting her with these choices, at least right now. Mostly because it seems to violate DB. If she is in this fantasy world, where nothing logical matters, what good are the choices. IC also said I should make it clear I am not dating someone. I am not going to try and pretend I am or anything, but I think it is beneficial for W to be unsure what I am doing or if I am still even wanting R. Rather than offer her reassurance. You guys can tell me what you think, but considering I agree with Sandi that I need to just stop hanging onto the MR, it really makes no sense.
W seems content with her new living situation in the basement, wants to cook but not eat together, and spends most of her time at home in her room with the door closed. However, she doesn't have any curtains and I can see in her window if I am in the yard with the dogs. It seems she just lays there watching tv and going to sleep really early (she does get up really early). But 99% of the time, I am not watching so who knows. If she is not harassing me, or trying to make things miserable, this is definitely more comfortable than being displaced to my grandmother's. But emotionally, I know detachment will be a lot harder. But I am serious about what I said earlier on forgetting about working on the MR and caring what W thinks or does. I am not going to be afraid anymore. I envision my new life without her everyday and what I want it to look like, and approach everything with that goal in mind. It is exciting to be able to have full control over your future. On my way out the door, my IC said "You know, the holidays are almost here, who really wants to get divorced over the holidays?". I guess W can prove how much of a grinch she really is. She even likes to say that she doesn't like Christmas. But I just don't buy it. I don't buy any of it. I have realized I am more of a saver than I thought. I feel so much desperation to rescue W from her sadness and hurt and bad choices. I know that I cannot. But I really think she's in there somewhere, and is worth saving. So I have to work constantly to change that mindset.
