DB Suggestions Thread

[crdcheck]

Sharing my view as a relative newbie, lurker, and someone who occasionally offers advice and support but more often than not sees his failure to save the M as a reason to not give others advice.

1) Some of the advice does feel "one size fits all" and direct - there is more "DO THIS" "SHE'S OFF DOING THAT" than "help me understand why you think that offering to watch her dog while she's out of town will bring her closer?".
2) Having said that, when I was spiraling (and even on days I'm not) the clear and direct advice gave me the confidence to change. As R2C and S85 will attest, I didn't always follow through right away but knowing the options, ignoring them, and seeing no change gave me hope that trying the options may yield a different result. Or, to put it another way, it gave me hope.
3). I've read the books (several times over) and, while they are great, they definitely feel more like a "do this, get that result" approach. I don't believe that we can all save our marriages. So, the tough love here, maybe it is a bit of a prep for life after D, but it also gives an element of control to the situation. I can be a better father. I can learn to cook. And so on. But not for my W, for myself.
4) I do see negativity and exasperation from some vets but I usually see it in cases where someone is posting non-stop (spiraling), getting advice, and then either agreeing to follow it and not, or straight-up rejecting it. It could be that I'm a guy but I'm seeking advice here, not emotional support, so I can understand why vets get frustrated and more direct the more their advice is followed
5) I've found immense help here
6) I'm very happy to hear that there are other perspectives and hope to hear more of them in the future.

One last thought: There are two pieces of advice I'd like to see shared more, and that is to consider the negativity that the WAW/WAH expects in a given situation and consider adjusting behavior (e.g. if when I get angry I stop cleaning the house, I should consider another approach) and that the WAH/WAW has a narrative about us in their minds: we need to disrupt that narrative in a positive way if we want them to see us differently. Otherwise they are on auto-pilot and everything we say/do (e.g. me writing long letters to my W) is cruised right over. Why this is important is that, when folks get the standard advice here, they may gravitate to what comes naturally (for example, I already work out, so the advice to work out as a GAL is not applicable). We were left as we are, s/he will return to us as we will be.

Thank you to all for participating in this board and on this thread!