I think I need to give some brief background on my sitch. It may be that none of these details are relevant anyhow.
W and I moved away from her family 2 years ago. She also had to stop her budding private practice, which she was doing 1.5 days a week. At the time, this was a joint decision for financial and stability reasons, although she has morphed this into a decision purely for my job happiness. During and post-move, we both had difficulty adjusting. W seemed depressed. We had intimacy issues. We didn't communicate well. I felt super-stressed working, then coming home and trying to give her a break with the kids. The plan was that W would go back to work after about a year of restarting our lives up here.
We had some conversations about intimacy which turned into arguments. Nothing violent or physical. About a year ago, my son was hitting his sister in the back of the car repeatedly. I pulled over the car and grabbed his leg forcefully. It didn't leave a mark. I regret it, it was a poor parenting decision. My W calls this abuse. It was an isolated incident.
We did MC last fall. Rather than tell me she was upset about the move, my W told me she wanted more help around the house. I worked on doing more chores, more childcare. None of it seemed to help. She would periodically express frustration over several things all at once. I should have known then she was starting to resent me, but instead I was trying to listen empathetically and then address her concerns if possible. Things got worse and worse. Around March I discovered evidence she was considering D. I freaked out. She wouldn't talk to me about our MR. One night we were driving home from seeing friends, and I pulled the car over because I wanted to talk so badly. She was frightened by my heightened emotions and thought I was going to hurt her. I wrote some apology and love letters (yes, I know.....) and ultimately found my way to DB forums which sort of saved my life. We went a couple more months in limbo, then finally I insisted we go back to MC, where she asked me for a trial separation.
At MC, she hit hard with the abuse narrative. Pulling over the car was emotional abuse. Grabbing my son's leg was abuse. She didn't want me to have the kids stay at my house overnight. I was frightened and trying to pull it together with the hopes of saving our MR.
Things have calmed down quite a bit. We eventually settled on a 4-10 schedule (I get Friday pm-Tuesday am) every other week. It's not enough for me. Getting to that point, and getting settled in where there aren't accusations of abuse... it was not easy. It also isn't fair or right.
My W has yet to go back to work, although she does rent the office space she needs. She would like to keep our marital home, although the reality is we could barely afford it married when I lived there. She says she needs 6 months of demonstrated income (whether alimony or working) to rent somewhere. Sometimes I think this is a good reason to financially separate now, so we can start the support payments. I worry this is a reason she may delay things another 6 months. In our state, it is expected the D process will take at least a year.
I am torn emotionally when I look at this upcoming D. On the one hand, I agree with the cold calculating approach. 50/50 (or an agreement to ramp to it soon, and yes, I need to research this more). Imputed income after 2-4 years (I haven't decided what I think is fair). Financially separate sooner rather than later (I am effectively paying more than the support payments would be right now).
I admit I am terrified of my W's mindset. I'm not so concerned with her going to family court with abuse allegations. I am more worried if she doesn't go to court, but keeps waving this stick around, and then suggesting it's up to me to build trust with her etc. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of feeling like it's up to me to rebuild trust with her. But I do want to keep things civil and amicable for my kids' sake if possible. I'm just not sure that is going to be possible.
It does feel like this is starting to drag out, and it's only to her benefit. So I may start needing to press the schedule on getting mediation rolling. Otherwise, I'm just missing more and more time with the kids, and spending more and more money, while she does little (as far as I can see) to prepare for the next phase of her life (getting back to work, finding living accommodations, etc.)
