Thanks for checking in. First off, I can't say now that I would suggest writing a letter like I did. In hindsight, it was not the reason for his turn around, rather it was one of many elements happening that led to his downward spiral. I think most of the things going on with him may have been unrelated to where I was at. It also goes against the DB principles that we learn here. My letter was long, it was heartfelt and it was honest. I told him that I didn't want to live in limbo anymore, and I didn't. Limbo for me was not having any legal separation or D, it meant we still owned our home together, and while he was staying at his parents and OWs, he was also coming/going from the house and some evenings I would have to leave at dinner time, and also all of our finances were shared. It was awkward and uncomfortable. For example, the days I worked, I had to get up and leave the house by 630 am and so he would come over before that and get the kids ready for school and then we would swap cars. He would make my coffee and sit there like an outsider in our shared home, looking sad and hopeless, as I was leaving for work. It was total cr-ap!
Basically my letter stated that it was time for him to make some decisions and that it was time to change the sitch. We both knew we couldn't afford the home on our own. It wasn't fair to anyone to live in pieces and unsettled, esp the confusion it caused our younger kids. Turns out that my letter also came around the same time his own mother wrote him a letter expressing her disappointment in him, and then she left the country for a month to stew in her words. He also was growing tired of the double life -- pretending to be a good dad and family man to our kids (even tho he was leaving their mom) and then going off to OW -- and it haunted him. He was becoming thin, tired, and even getting sick. At the same time, and maybe more important than anything, he was starting to become increasingly unhappy with OW. She was one of his only friends left, but there was a lot he didn't like about her or trust. Once the momentum of his downward spiral started, there was no turning back for him. My letter was just the threat of a nail in his coffin. It was the realization that he now had to fight his way out of, what felt like, a near impossible situation. I basically removed myself form plan B at the same time he realized I was actually what he wanted.
Not sure that helps. I don't recommend a letter for most people on the boards! Maybe in the case where the WAS is showing a lot of doubt and remorse but hasn't quite made the final leap yet. More importantly, the letter cannot be used to trick them into thinking they will lose you. You have to be ready to follow through in your words and let them go entirely. I was honestly fed up with him and his BS and knew I deserved better. That was in the letter too :-)
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
