Persistant Endurance (Part 7)

[curtis7]

That's amazing though that she could verbalize what she wanted sexually. That's tough to do.

I wouldn’t say that she verbalized what she wanted, all she said was “I want to be controlled.”

This reminds me of a text I saw on her old phone from last December when she was changing devices. It was to her divorced BFF right when she was splitting with her XH around August 2018. The text from my WW read “It’s ALL about the SEX.” I brushed it off as girl talk at the time and my W jumping on with bashing of BFF’s XH.Who knows, maybe that’s what my W values most in life.

If so, it’s sad that she had to go out and find that with someone else rather than attempting to explore and try something different with me. It’s not surprising though as she justified the early affairs by convincing herself in her mind, with the help of IC and BFF, that I was the root cause of all of her unhappiness.

Now it’s very sad that I think she realizes that I wasn’t the only cause, that it was also her and she is unwillingly to walk away from what she’s found. She knows what type of life we can have together, I think she knows what it would mean to our kids, but yet she won’t recommit to find out if all her needs can be met.

W has always been a very stubborn woman. It seems she would rather be D than admit she made a mistake. I do think she is terrified of coming back because she doesn’t want to tell the ENTIRE TRUTH. What she doesn’t know is that I ALREADY KNOW. She fears that I will never forgive her or always hold it against her. I’m not sure how to counteract this, so I continue to wait. One day she may come to me ready to talk. I will listen without judging. However, I still think it will be trickle truth if that day ever comes as she is so ashamed of so many of her bad choices. If that happens, then we’ll still be stuck as I’ll know she wasn’t completely honest and so will she.