Gerda Rises Up to Go On

[Gerda]

First of all, thank you so much for the post, awesome as usual. I have in fact said something like most of what you advised already, with D10. I have been saying a lot of that for years now. And thank you for offering to write to her, I will think about when that could work and let you know. Very very kind of you. But really it's just the adultery part I didn't know how to say. But this week that woman was AGAIN at H's very limited time with D, and she was going on and on about how nice she is and how her kids are in Sunday School and I almost passed out, so I did finally tell her the truth. She was not able to take it in very well, she said, "Papa cheated on you?!" but then switched the topic. I haven't told S14 because he doesn't see H anyway, or talk to him, so I am not sure there is any purpose right now other than a dark side of myself wanting vindication.

I haven't written back to your excellently long and thoughtful post partly because I am drowning in work and had to do massive prep to rent out my apartment for this week. (My aunt was going to be out of town and I was so desperate for money, we live in a place where this is easy to do, lots of tourists.)

But partly because I realized that there might be something about me that you will not understand and it seemed daunting to explain it.

Look to the end goal here. Do you want D10 (think D18 or further) to hate Dad’s GF? To really harbour a deep grudge towards this woman? Or Dad? Of course not. And neither do you.

Because yes, I do want D to hate that GF. Depending on what you mean by hate. Not the kind of hate that consumes, like that song, "I live in my enemy's head rent-free." Not that she would not practice forgiveness. But I do not want her to have relationship with someone that immoral -- and I consider it dangerous to my daughter's emotional and moral development when she is forced to hang out with someone who is that immoral as to actively have an affair with a married man for years, including when his wife had cancer and was clearly standing for her marriage. That woman was eating in our family business (literally, a restaurant) and interacting with my staff when I was out of town, was probably in my bed at the same time. A new GF is one thing. This particular person is another. So yes, I want D to hate all that that woman represents. I want her to mistrust her and never show her a piece of her precious heart. I want her to reject outright that kind of person. I want her to pray that she goes back to her own husband and not break up another family.

And I don't see that as a bad thing, to believe that. I see that as a good thing.

You are always asking about my beliefs, and here is the thing -- my belief is that marriage is a commitment til death. My circumstances therefore are a real test of that belief. My belief has not and will not change. Will God forgive me for doing otherwise? Yes, of course. Even if I start sleeping around, He will forgive me. The question is how do I live in order to be all that God intended? How do I get closer to God? Catholicism offers me a way out of this conundrum -- annulment. But to me this is just a legalistic way to undo my belief. One day I might do some or all of these things that go against my belief.

My spiritual father wrote to me with his usual astonishing wisdom/love, and I will include a clip here to say it much better than I can. But I think the point is that this feeling of dying and all the pain we feel (or you more in past tense) are natural. They are the consequence of my belief. If I change my belief maybe the pain will be less. But that is not possible for me. I am instead focusing on accepting the "death" that Fr describes below, the grain of wheat, lil' Gerda.

You have to distinguish two levels of our life: the natural (psychological, social, legal...) and the spiritual (soul, God, gospel...) It is absolutely normal that you feel to protect your daughter (the best thing you have in life as a mother) from the intrusion of the other woman. It is important for you as a mother to keep the relationship close to you as mother/daughter. So it is normal that you have all those feelings. (Look for instance any mother-animal would be very aggressive and would kill in order to defend her offsprings). So naturally you are reacting as any good mother.
Spiritually you have the the faith to overcome all this and raise your spirit to another level, which is the level of Christ. You say that you feel that you are dying; and that is really what is happening; your motherhood is dying, not in a natural way but because the intrusion of this woman. If the grain of wheat does not die, it will not bring new life.

So what can you do? BE STRONG! The truth will come out; your daughter for now is finding something new, that she did not have before; but there is only one mother, and some day she will realize that the love of a mother can come only from a mother.
I think you are right to let her know that what that woman is doing is wrong, but at the same time you should show that you are above any jealousy or vendetta. You can show her that God gives us the capability to forgive even the worst injustices; and that she can always count on HER MOM.