Hey guys, I am still here. I mostly just lurk on the boards. ExF and I have been working on things for nearly a year. I realized that I am not happy with him. I had hoped the changes would stick and his words that I shouldn't have listened to, were true. He is a very selfish man and that I cannot change. I've realized that my life is a couple weeks of good and then bad. He has reverted back to his old behaviors that made me very unhappy before.
I've been really seriously questioning whether we should even be trying to work on this for a few months. I started having dreams of other men being kind to me and romantic. This is something that didn't happen before.
I've done a lot of IC as I seriously thought there was something really wrong with me. I worried I was a narcissist, too controlling, bipolar etc. I blamed myself for everything. "Well, if I wouldn't have gotten upset about x, y, z then he wouldn't have called me names or came home." etc. I think she helped me realize one side cannot fix a relationship.
I did change in the months we were apart. I know I will be ok on my own, I know that there is someone out there that will love me the way I want and need to be loved. I know that I don't have to live trying to force someone to want to
He has an odd way of thinking about life. He is able to do as he pleases but I can't do the same. We have to do what he wants most of the time. My attempts to GAL are met with anger and passive aggressiveness from him. Last night I got a break-up text from him after going to hang with friends. Mind you he did the same hung earlier this week. I don't want to continue to receive break-up texts for the next 10 years of my life. It doesn't make me feel safe. I have finally came to terms that this is an unsalvageable relationship.
I don't know what I need right now. Maybe I'm just venting and needing somewhere to put my thoughts.
