I think we have taken our diagnosis of Mr Nice Guy way too far and I just don't buy into that. Not every LBH that comes here needs to read the book, become more alpha, and "get his b@lls back." It is getting out of hand and honestly it's kind of a gross exaggeration that feels sex1st. Not all men have been wronged by their W because she BD him, not all men need to become more "masculine" and certainly you all must know that that does not attract all women back. Not all women are attracted to the overconfident alpha male that can GAL like a madman! I have read this cookie cutter 100 times now and I don't agree it applies to everyone.
I am a self-diagnosed Mr. Nice Guy, and I do not take the message that I need to become more alpha or get my b@lls back. The primary message of that book that I took away is stop doing things to please other people and then hoping they will please you back.
Warning: Personal opinion to follow
What NG's need to do is get in touch with their own values, stop doing things just to please other people, and start feeling better about themselves. My problem was not needing to become more alpha, or needing to become more attractive. My problem was that I didn't even know what I wanted, I was just falling all over myself trying to get my W to smile some days. And then I was thinking... "Look at how hard I'm trying, and she doesn't even care about me!"
I have no doubt she felt incredibly lonely. I was not a self-differentiated person with my own needs and wants. I was miserable, and it was my own fault. My communication skills were awful as a result.
You will note that none of those lessons I took from NMMNG have anything to do with gender. It is unfortunate, in my mind, that the NMMNG has a section that does come across as fairly misogynistic (IMHO), and is fairly tangential to the primary point of the book. Maybe others identify with it, though, and I understand everyone takes different lessons from the same material.
Anyways, this is just my own situation. It doesn't apply to every LBH here. The lessons I learned from addressing NGS apply to anybody, woman or man.
Three things have made me dramatically happier in the last 6 months: Finding this forum, addressing my NGS, and meditation/emotional awareness. That prescription won't necessarily work for anyone else, but it did for me.
I do agree in general that sometimes we (self included) jump to advice-giving mode too quickly, or assume we know what is going on in somebody else's sitch, rather than just offer some compassion and validation. Usually when I post I will specifically ask for advice when I seek it. Otherwise, it's just a sounding board, and really nice to hear other people (especially regulars who follow my thread) empathize and share their own experiences.
