Relapse and Lost Progress Part II

[sandi2]

Opps, didn't mean to hit the submit key. So where was I? Some WW's have to be shown that the LBH isn't going to give her his attention when she is being bossy, demanding, criticizing, etc. Know what I mean? I suspect you have never put her in her place, or even know what I mean by that statement. For now, just stop giving her your attention when rants. The second it begins.......you turn your back, walk out, turn up the TV, or do something that shows you aren't interested and aren't going to put up with it. The usual advice is to look at the spouse, listen, validate, etc. I'm saying not to do any of that when she starts the rants and criticism. You have switched from the passive, caring, tender spouse who was trying to endure her bad treatment.......to a man who will not take abuse. Don't crawl into a shell, 44. If you can't shut her out, then go somewhere you don't have to hear it.

Maybe if I had held her accountable in the same way, things would be different IDK.

I think it could have been effective last year, but that particular window of time has passed. You aren't trying to save the relationship, you are saving yourself. She is on her own until she is ready to commit to working on the MR. Your job does not require you to be her punching bag. Last year, you were the H who was available to listen to her vent about her job/coworkers. She did not appreciate it. She took something valuable and mistreated it, so now she will face the vacant space her caring H use to occupy. At first, she will probably feel enraged that her H is no longer acting like her puppet, who can make decisions for himself. She didn't see that his attention was a loving gift. Therefore, it is currently not available to hear her negativity about him, their M, her job, or her life in general. She took & took and wouldn't give back.

I really believe in her.

What do you mean when you say you believe in her?

My patience has worn thin, and I cannot ignore the reality that this is happening again. She has even called me out on what you describe, waiting for her to call the shots and wait for her cue. But it is tricky in this case because she is the one who is initiating all of this. How can I take the lead? It does go against the DB principle of putting the focus on yourself and not the sitch. So what do you recommend exactly? How do I call the shots?

I thought I tried to address this subject last year. I don't know if it is me or you, but one of us is confused. You can't lead b/c it goes goes against the DB principle of focusing on yourself?

Well, you can throw out what I said in my last post, as well as this one.....if you don't agree with what I recommended. Just tell me, so I don't spend a lot of time with something you know you aren't going to do.

What am I supposed to do when she comes back and goes back on everything when she changes her mind. It is not fair, it is not even legal. But it's the same issue, this doesn't matter. I can stand my ground and give her her own accountability speech and tell her tough luck she put herself in this position. Or I can move out, per her request. What is your suggestion? It seems that you think I should move out, but I am not totally clear.

I wrote about some of this in the previous post. If you would be making your life more miserable by moving in with relatives, then don't do it. My point is to check all your options to see what works the best, other than the two of you remaining under the same roof.