Relapse and Lost Progress Part II

[sandi2]

I do get it. But I need constant reminding. Remember, I have been manipulated for years. My brain does not see clearly anymore. I am not making excuses, I'm just being honest that it is extremely difficult for me to remember that she is the bad guy.

You may have Stockholm syndrome, IDK. I think it's another reason you need to stick to the board. Not to read the bashing of your W, but rather to help you stay focused and able to see your sitch more objectively.

yesterday when she pressed me on the issue of a "plan", it took me an hour per text, BUT. I wrote all kinds of feelings, sensible arguments, expressed my rage, but every time I would edit and edit again until it was DB approved. I erased everything and went with the detached answer.

Great! Writing out your emotions sounds as if it could be a helpful form of therapy. Also remember this, she may not care how you feel......but the people on the DB understand your fear & anger. We care.

Ultimately, there is no way she can legally kick me out for at least three months, per my therapist, if she filed tomorrow. Which by the way, she threatened again yesterday that she would go to the courthouse then or today, and once again she has not followed through. If I stand my ground, I feel fairly confident she will back down. Maybe I am too optimistic, but she is more bark than bite.

Threatening is a form of bullying. The bully will target your area of fear. Once they see their bullying is ineffective, the dynamics change. I remember an episode of an old TV show. The elementary age son was being bullied to give up his lunch money every day. The bully was bigger in size and would threaten to beat up this smaller boy if he didn't surrender the lunch money. Finally the boy talked about it to his dad (which, was a wise Andy Griffith). I think he asked his son, Opie, what was the worst that could happen if he didn't give this bully his lunch money. Opie told him him he was afraid of the bully physically fighting him, b/c Opie was smaller. Andy asked Opie what was he dealing with now. Living in fear of this bully, going hungry at school, experiencing low self esteem, etc.......all due to his fear of the bully fighting him. Anyway, Andy told him it would not end until he stood up to the bully and was ready to fight.... even if it meant he would get punched. Next day, the bully approached him to force over the lunch money, but Opie told the bully he would not get money that day or any other day. I think Opie told the bully that he did not want to fist fight, but he would. Then Opie held up his fists to indicate he was ready to fight the bully. The bully backed down and didn't bother him anymore (which was good TV), but the point was that this boy had to face his fear, even if it meant that he got beat up. Opie had suffered more from the fear of this bully slugging him, until if was affecting his entire life.

44, I think I have previously suggested that you identify the action your W does, or could do, that you fear. If you can't name it, how will you stand up to it? Your W knows you well, and she keeps you vulnerable by threats, withholding affection, emotionally bashing you with criticism, pressuring you to do something you don't want to do, etc. It's as if you have been in this emotional prison for a long time.

Okay, so you don't want to stay with your grandparent. You see that being a worse case scenario than your current situation? I'm just asking. Which ordeal can you handle the best, while you focus on the last miles to your degree? Next question: Do you really believe, or are you saying what you think the board wants to hear, that WW would get her own apartment while she financially supports you in that new home? I don't know how much she draws through the military, but I'm thinking she would struggle forking over money for two separate housing........so she would leave you stranded with the fallout. WW's don't really care about contracts, or how their credit score is affected. WW's operate from what? Their emotions. Not logic, but feelings. Therefore, stop expecting or hoping she will do the right thing. Instead, prepare for the worst.

Just in case there are newcomers reading, I'm going to tell you to do some things that may sound contrary to last year's advice when you were trying to save the MR. I'm going to tell you some things that are going to be tough to do, and when you read it your feelings may get somewhat confused b/c in the back of your mind you see yourself DBing your M. The time has come for you to let go. If you don't want to heed my advise, that is certainly up to you, b/c it's your life.

First step, 44, is to let go of the dream you had for this MR. Accept that it is over, and let go of your W. I am not telling you how to feel about it. I'm saying what you need to do to survive a WW who is out of control. You have to face your fear of divorce. You don't have to like it, agree with it, or "believe in divorce"........but in order for you to face your fear, you have to let go of the MR. That fear of divorce is currently doing more emotional damage than if it had already happen in reality. You are Opie, 44. It's the fear that grips you by the b@lls and keeps you feeling like that little bullied boy. My advice is to accept that the M is over and conduct your actions as if you were already divorced and she is no longer a part of your life.

If you don't understand what I mean, then let me put it this way. Stop treating her as though she is your beloved spouse. Stop talking to her as if you love her unconditionally. Stop being tender with her. Stop rescuing her from herself. Stop doing favors for her, washing her bedding, running errands, etc. Stop being her friend! Stop going on vacations, trips, etc. Stop accommodating her. Stop spending time with her. Stop acting as if her feelings matter to you. Stop being afraid of her rants, and stop listening to them. Stop trying to save the M. Allow her to experience the vacancy you leave in her life.

Ultimately, there is no way she can legally kick me out for at least three months, per my therapist, if she filed tomorrow.

Maybe, but does the law force her to feed you and pay the utilities? What good is staying in a house without food, electricity and heat through the winter? Does the law force her to have a joint bank account with you? If you could financially cover the necessities you'll need, then no problem. However, if she has control over your living conditions, it seems it would have you at a big disadvantage. If you can receive spousal support from the military, without going through her hands, so to speak, that would be much better, IMHO. Another thing I'll mention about the new house, is something one of my relatives when through when her H left her with a baby a new house. She was so worried about the house going into foreclosure, and finally her lawyer told her, "There are far worse things that could happen in life". I don't know if that is comforting or not, but it seem to have helped her let go of some stress. I'm just saying that if you can't pay for the house, then what can you do? I would think, but could be wrong, that there would be a military department that can advise or inform a LBS of options. I know child support can be held out of the check and sent directly to the custodial parent, so why not in cases of separation/divorce? Get on the ball about taking steps to cover yourself, and forget about WW/MR.

She gives me all these mock lectures meant for these "crappy" people she works with. I want to turn those speeches back on her, I mean it's almost a joke. How she can go on about all these values that she is blatantly violating in her personal life. She is very passionate and good at her job. Maybe if I had held her accountable in the same way, things would be different IDK.

She cannot see further than her nose, b/c she is wayward! You cannot reason with crazy! How about this.......she doesn't get to lecture you! You aren't waiting around all day for her to come home and bash you. Either leave the house, ignore her, or tell her to hush. Some WW's who are married to