I just disagree with the first sentence. What about the intent of getting things wrapped up legally? I doubt LB and Mrs. LB jumped into marriage quickly, or told people they were married for all intents and purposes when they were just dating or engaged. You don't get out of a marriage with the snap of your fingers because you spoke a few words that would be a relationship breakup outside of marriage.
I think we perpetuate a false narrative when we validated a WS's feelings that the marriage is over. You can "feel like" it's over but that goes against reality. You aren't on "home base" simply because you BD'd your spouse.
I don't want to speak for Vapo but what I tried to get into a bit in my previous post was that the WAS's "perception" is that the M is over at BD. They've been thinking about it a long time, and BD is all about them officially pulling the plug and considering it over and done. This is where a massive perception schism forms, as follows:
WAS: the marriage is over, I am free to do as I please and it is none of my spouse's business. I can date, sleep with people, stay at home or move away, go partying every night, spend whatever I want. It's my life now and no one can tell me otherwise.
LBS: Oh my gosh, I never knew my spouse was unhappy, this is the first sign of trouble! I need to figure out right away how to turn this around. I will scour the Internet for answers, because the sooner I act the better. Clearly what I need to do is beg, plead, negotiate, make it very clear to him/ her that the marriage is more important to me than anything in this world and I will do literally anything for them to bring them back.
I do agree that REALITY is something completely different, they are still legally married and certainly that fact should matter to BOTH of them. I mean if you're religious certainly your vow to God should matter to you, but even if you're not religious you made a personal vow to your spouse, your family, your friends and even the world at large that you will stand with this person NO MATTER WHAT. What does it say about you to all those people and even yourself to break what YOU deemed to be a sacred vow?
Anyway I'm just saying I do agree with you even though my earlier post, like Vapo's, may seem to contradict that. But both spouses are proceeding based on their perceptions- the WAS that the M is over and the LBS that it's just sick and needs some kind of healing treatment. And their actions are putting them at odds with each other and just making things worse!
We all know we can't bring the WAS back by doing what our heart is telling us (pursue) so the best we can do is the DB'ing approach of accepting THEIR perception and giving them time and space to sort things through. I'm not saying to anyone here to live like you're already divorced, but rather put the marriage on hold unless and until the WAS starts turning things around.
