Still surviving

[Surv1ve]

Oh, thank you butterfly. I'm popping into share a journal entry here. For those following along, EMDR is a trauma recovery therapy that I both use with clients as a therapist and receive myself. Thinking about the concept of "be the lighthouse", H has been watching my growth and my belief in EMDR and is actually, of his own accord, going to EMDR therapy. And, I'm pretending that I'm in a piecing phase (perhaps to my detriment) and I have telling him that my clock is ticking and I need to see a return to a marriage or an intention or I need to be done. But, goodness, things are DIFFERENT these days.

And here is a snippet for you about where things are in my home and about my H

He's been going to EMDR to process a climbing fall. A few years ago, his lead belayer wasnt paying attention and he hit the ground on a hard fall. He says he knows it's just the thing that will get him in the door and he's okay with tricking himself.

Last session, he shared with me that in EMDR, he realized all the ways he avoids climbing with others where he might be at risk of taking a fall. The first major recognition from him in a glad aha way of self recognition about how he avoids and then blames others. To myself, also wondering if he will realize how much he did that in our marriage... avoided his needs and joys and then found ways to make it all my fault.

I've been certified to lead belay him, which is just more complicated and greater risk of falling. On Saturday, as we talked about climbing outdoors, he said, "this is such a great way to get past this climbing block... climbing with someone I trust implicitly." I cried. He saw and said, "yeah, I said I trust you implicitly"

On Sunday, he took a bunch of smaller risks and made moves where he could take a fall rather than keeping well within his skill range. And, he also leapt so that he was fully off the rock to grab a jug that was out of his reach. "That's so cool. I made the decision about the best move, felt the fear and just did it. I did it!" Excited and vulnerable and joyful. I was so glad to be there with him.

We're going away in two weekends together. Except he hasn't yet told EX/OM and he says it's his job to tell EX/OM. H and EX/OM are going away next Monday.

We had a couple minutes alone in the driveway last night.

H: no, I haven't told EX/OM yet. I will. I just... do you understand how when there's multiple pressures on me, I just get stuck on the easiest things.

Me: it's not easy. Telling EX/OM you want to spend a weekend away with me isn't easy and spending a weekend away with me isn't easy. I get it. I see you. I know.

H: (relaxes).

Me: I love you.

H: I know.

Me: and I know you're doing your best. You always have, even when you were being a monster. And your best is so much better than it used to be.

H: (relaxing).

Me: but that doesn't mean I won't be mad or upset if this doesn't happen and it's so soon that EX/OM would be well within his right to say he doesn't have enough notice. This was our solution to my need, and I'm not going to be okay with deferring it. That doesn't mean I don't love you or see you. It just means I also love and see me.

H: (fear look)

Me: again, I will say it again. I love you and I know you're doing your best. I'm going inside now.

This morning, I'm glad for his emdr. Maybe he'll have the aha that he sees the move and just has to make it, fear be damned.