Thank you for expounding. I think that you make some good points for posters to consider. I do have a couple of observations and comments.
First, you admit to being a tad sensitive. " I also was too fragile to handle the 2*4s." And then go out to call out sexism on the board. Is the board really sexist? Or are your sensitivities to it elevated above the typical poster here? I ask that because while you aren't wrong, and even to me sometimes it does go overboard, some of the harshest posters related to "manning up" or "being alpha" are some our female posters.
I do feel that there are distinct differences in the sexes and that the advice needs to be tailored to the LBS, male or female. We also have most posters here that are heterosexual, and therefore we do have to deal with the differences between the sexes in those situations. (On that note, since I have no experience with homosexual relationships I typically stay out of those because I do not feel I can contribute decent advice.)
As far as NGS, I do feel that a lot of the LBHs that come here are suffering from some level of that. All? Of course not. And I have seen quite a few sitches here where NGS is never mentioned. But when the markers are observed (passive-aggressiveness, covert contracts etc) the the typical advice is to read NMMNG and to get that under control. I am a firm believer that it you want to fix your marriage you first have to fix yourself.
As far as 2x4s, I can only speak for myself. I got quite a few 2x4s RIGHT off the bat when I posted my sitch. And looking back I appreciated ever single one. I didn't come here to be coddled or handled gently, I came here to be told where I was messing up and making things worse. You've pointed out that the vast majority of posters here want to help. Want to support. Want to see the person's marriage saved. But most importantly, want to see the poster saved! Sometimes that takes 2x4s. And sometimes those 2x4s come fairly quickly. And no, we don't always get to know the person very well because after all it is a message board and we can only know what the person tells us. I recently disclosed that I had engaged in past EAs. No one knew that because no one could know that. But what everyone did know is that Steve85 is a flawed individual (because we all are) that isn't innocent (because none of us are) that was far from a perfect spouse (because we all are).
And while I am on it (and Blu this isn't in response to anything you said), I am not sure where it got turned around that preparing a LBS for getting D'd isn't DBing? The thing about these sitches is that it takes two people to make marriage, only one to make a D. So it is near impossible to DB solely by SAVING the marriage. Because that isn't within the LBS's control, nor anyone posting here. I really wish we could tell every poster that comes here "Do A, B, and C, and we guarantee you'll save your marriage." Unfortunately, that is not possible. SO part of DBing is preparing the LBS for what might be inevitable: the end of their marriage. All of the GAL, 180ing, and detaching in the world cannot always prevent that.
Blu. thank you for the thoughtful post. I know it will cause me to think a little harder before just firing off a response to a poster. But just as no spouse, even the LBS, is perfect, neither are we as posters. We are doing our best to help and support others that are going through the same things that we did.
Blu really eloquently communication what I was trying to say about this board.
