Finding the Balance then Tipping the Scale (4)

[Adam04]

Since last update I had been giving W and I some space. It seems like she hasn’t been receptive to this and has been hot and cold. She’s not mean or disrespectful but the intimacy has died down and she said something was bothering her but didn’t know what. She said she was tired of us arguing or bickering and wants a reset. I do too.

Last weekend instead of going with her to the reception for her friend prior to that I suggested if she wanted to go with her boss to have a girls night and then later she could meet me back in town and we have our time to party. So last week she agreed. Went out and celebrated her friend’s wedding with her boss. They got back to town later that night and my wife met me up and we spent time together all night. We had a good time partying all night to early in the morning. Crashed and went to a baseball game the next day.

I thought everything was getting better but that night talking she said she wasn’t happy when we argued. I felt like I failed at validating, I also wondered if this was part of some grander scheme of her exit. I thought it was the talk from a few Thursday’s ago. Thought we had talked that through.

Now I need help here. Prior to getting a hotel room for this past Saturday night, she was looking for rooms when I was doing something and I told her I was going to look into it. She said she didn’t mind because she usually is the one shopping online for deals when we go on vacation. She got two places and we talked about it. I chose a room at the Marriott which I didn’t know was at the Marriott at that time. Chose the better of the two rooms. and she said she could check the discounts but she said the password to her marriott app was at work. She said she couldn’t log into Citrix from the iPad and didn’t have her laptop. She asked me if I wanted to make a account for the discount then did she was able to check and it was like a 16.00 saving so I just got the room as a guest and sent the reservation to my email. The thing that bothers me is how it felt like a secret of why her password would be at work.

I haven’t confronted or asked for this password because I’m not sure how to go about it. Forget it? Could be nothing or ask? Could there be more I should be trying to look into and why ?

So besides that, yesterday I figured out what could still cause my wife to be in her funk. Maybe it was two weeks ago after she said she was still mad about our convo of her going out to be a friend to her boss in a time or need, one night I left and said I needed space because we had a party and we all were drinking. Her family was over. We went to bed and I couldn’t sleep. I said I was leaving and she said where and I said out. I went driving around that night to think about things like when she said some space would be good for us so I went to the apartment to sleep. She texted 3 times and I later went home around 5pm the next day. I didn’t respond to her texts asking me how I was.

So going back to yesterday, I brought this up and asked if this was why she was still upset and I think i hit it on the nose she said I could have had the decency to let her know I was safe or here I wa out to. I told her she has the 360 app to see where I was. She said she doesn’t use it for me and I said that was one of the reasons we agreed to get it and that’s not my fault if she didn’t want to use it to see where I was because she could have. I admitted I was wrong to leaving the way I did and I apologized but I also said she was still angry so I didn’t feel like she deserved for me to do or say things to try and appease her. Told her if the shoe was on the other foot she would feel the same way and I said she has been like this before where some of her remarks come across as a double standard.

I am confused . She wants us to go back to a normal life and I told her I want a normal life but since she brought that guy into the fold the day she lied who she was out with, I don’t know how I am supposed to move forward with trust.

Told her I am going to get therapy to figure out my feeling to see what to do about us.

I am actively looking this week because I am strongly on the fence if I want to be with her. I have a long list that my insurance have in network. I am looking for gottman and other areas like anger management, family/ marriage, and some other specialties as well.

Time for work.

Currently reading/rereading what women want in a man. Open to other books. This feels like another limbo. Still trying to be patient and from the few Thursday’s ago Ive felt better that my happiness isn’t all wrapped up in her. If we don’t make it I will survive. I do sometimes struggle to be patient with her because signs from her I think should be there aren’t so I am not sure when I should expect certain things from her.

She did say this. If we both go thru counseling she can see us going to marriage counseling In the future.