It was really a tiring lunch though I hope to be there for and with the kids. I just feel like she's like a piranha, trying to chew onto something always and challenge it and prove her point, to please or comfort some internal beliefs or what. Or maybe trying to make up to how she could have reacted to past situations in her life which she have not done so then but spamming it on everyone now?
OK so let me say as an impartial observer this is what I am seeing here- you and your W go out to lunch, there is a miscommunication that IS THE MANAGER'S FAULT and your W chooses to confront the manager while you would rather not. The manager acknowledges the misunderstanding but refuses to do anything about it, which is WRONG. Your W continues to press the manager while you basically try to get her to back off and just ignore the problem. So my take? Your W was 100% correct in demanding the manager do something, and you did not support your wife in her efforts to seek reparation. What message do you think that sends to her? Now you might think this is a minor incident, and you would be right, but all these little incidences over years and years add up for the WAS until they reach the breaking point.
Have you read No More Mister Nice Guy? It's a good companion read to DR and we suggest it a lot after reading DR. It's not what the title sounds like, it addresses "nice guy syndrome" (NGS) and how outwardly "nice" guys tend to act in very passive/aggressive ways that are very damaging to their relationships. Most guys here aren't full blown nice guys but can identify with at least some of what they read. This example you gave of this interaction at the restaurant definitely smacks of NGS.
