WMLC - Thoughts appreciated!

[DnJ]

Hello WMLC

For a WAS or MLCer the approach is the similar. The spouse has made a statement of it being over and wanting out.

Time and space, digging deep for patience, focusing on you and kids. These provide the best chances at things turning around. Your W needs time and space to change how she feels and thinks.

It is staggering how many MLCers have affairs. The OP meaning nothing. That relationship is build with lies, deceit, cheating, etc...; it’s built upon sand, and that is a very poor foundation.

I do not want D and prefer to try and work it out. I have zero proof, but feel very strongly she is having an A. First question is, should I try and get proof of A? I feel like I can't have any honest discussions about our situation unless I know for sure.

You do not want a divorce. Ok. You can’t control not getting D. You can control - you not pushing for D.

This is a small but accurate detail. “I do not want to push for divorce.” This you can do something with. The other way leaves it up in the air, and focuses on what she is doing. Focus on you, and what you can do.

This also acknowledges and readies your mind for the possibility of her pushing for D.

I would not suggest snooping for evidence regarding an affair. It will not alter her path, and quite likely have the opposite effect you are after. Not to mention it is going to hurt.

Yes, truthful conversation regarding R will require open and honest admitting of an affair, along with a great many other things. However, those days are a ways off at the moment.

I am prepared to lock-in to either approach. Understanding my preferred result is to R, which path should I go down?

The general advice, and my recommended course of action, is save yourself.

Find detachment and indifference. This is the single best thing you will do for yourself. Uncoupling your emotional attachment to W might sound wrong, it is not.

W needs time to fix herself. She is not in a place to work on R right now. You detach, let go, forgive, etc... all that inner work. Give her plenty of time and space, while you keep busy, active, and live. The roommate approach for example.

You grow, heal, become the best version of you - all regardless of what she is doing. That will possibility attract her, cause her to become interested, maybe even follow that beacon you become. However, those are her choices. And you have your choices.

Stand until you’re healed enough to not stand. Then you can decide further choices. That time is further down your path.

You have the gift of time, use it wisely. Use it for you.

DnJ