I am a former LBW that had a WH and did recover my M. Personally, I don't think that makes me more qualified than others to give advice, but I do come with that perspective, which I recognize is different. Many folks stop posting after the M is restored, and as we know several do not get that opportunity. My BD happened 5.5 years ago and that is when I started reading the boards. I do feel that the culture here has somewhat changed.
When I came here, I did not post or even create a username. I think that was partly due to my own fears, shame and vulnerability. I also was too fragile to handle the 2*4s. I was in pretty bad shape. I followed several threads and was a daily reader. I recall some amazing vets that gave quality advice and support. Some that come to mind are Sandi, AS, Starsky, Wonka, and 25years, and many that I am not recalling at the moment. What I remember most about the threads is the compassion and wisdom that they shared and it extended beyond the cookie cutter advice and rules that can be applied to any sitch. I do not recall them being confrontational and argumentative when people questioned them.
It's hard to explain how things have changed, but now it seems newcomers leave as fast as they join. The turnover rate is higher. I also don't see the same level of compassion or connection happening in threads. I see that there are cowboy advisors, for lack of a better term, that come in with guns blazing. Some of you do come across as entitled to dish out your opinions -- very easily and at times harshly -- before even getting to know the poster. It leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I am finding myself less interested in reading and posing in general.
Sometimes I feel that things become clickish. There is a group of you that come across as defending not only your position, but also the position of your online friends. You come together to agree or disagree with a united front and it's unnecessary, I feel that it would be more productive to spend more time trying to understand why the poster is struggling and how you can better help them. I can guarantee you that there are many readers out there that will never post, and some of that is due to fear of being ganged up on. I am not saying that these people have bad intentions -- quite the contrary -- but 2*4s are not effective unless the recipient feels respected, understood and cared about first!
I think we have taken our diagnosis of Mr Nice Guy way too far and I just don't buy into that. Not every LBH that comes here needs to read the book, become more alpha, and "get his b@lls back." It is getting out of hand and honestly it's kind of a gross exaggeration that feels sex1st. Not all men have been wronged by their W because she BD him, not all men need to become more "masculine" and certainly you all must know that that does not attract all women back. Not all women are attracted to the overconfident alpha male that can GAL like a madman! I have read this cookie cutter 100 times now and I don't agree it applies to everyone.
Like I said, I do think that everyone's intentions are in the right place. However, we can all do a better job with how we communicate and showing more compassion and respect for one another. It's much easier to be confrontational behind a screen, but we are dealing with a vulnerable population and I think it doesn't belong here. We are all adults and we don't need to form clicks, gang up on each other, or defend ourselves if people don't agree. It is entirely up to people if they want to spend hours a day reading and posting here, but it also creates a thread that leaves less room for newbies and people that don't have that much time to weigh in.
I am okay with people not agreeing with my position and what I write here, but I am not interested in arguing about it or arguing with any of you. It's just not a good use of time. I am only here for one reason. I am here because my BD was the hardest time in my life -- my sitch was extreme and not just a little bump in my M or brief parting or ea -- and the lovely vets and these threads 5 years ago kept me going in those very dark days. So I share my story for anyone that can take comfort in that. I also look for people here that may need something that I can offer them. That's it. I am not here to be right, to tell anyone they are wrong, to tell someone that they have to do something, or to cause any more fear, shame or hurt. If you are reading this and even questioning yourself and how you post, then I hope you will at least spend more time and thoughtful care as you post moving forward.
That is what I have for now. I will continue to look at my own mistakes and think about how I can do better.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
