LH, DS9, T, thank you all so much, every one of your posts was helpful for me.
W continued her strange behavior last night and woke me up out of dead sleep at 1am to ask if I had let dogs in her room. I have had nothing to with that and she knows one of our dogs open doors. I told her no. Then she text me from work about it AGAIN this morning, asking if it was me. I just told her no again. She did not bring up anything about the "unfinished" discussion from yesterday. When she got home, she started talking about work and no mention of a convo. Then she said she was going to the bar with coworkers tonight and some girl sped in like she owned the place and picked her up about an hour later. She said she will Uber home.
I am so angry at my detachment. I want to not care. I still think this is part of why our relationship has had problems. I can't help but feel controlling about this kind of thing. It used to be worse, I forced myself to be better, and then at the literal peak of what I achieved, she cheated. Obviously right now it is impossible to feel secure and trusting of her, but with detachment I should feel nothing. I don't want that adrenaline and panic I feel when she runs out and gets in some car I don't know. An MR cannot work if I cannot let my W go out with friends without panic. Again, I know it's not as pertinent right now, but I would have felt the same way if there were no BD and she just didn't invite for whatever reason. She probably would never not, but that is because she thinks I would freak out. It's a horrible feedback loop. I want to address these control/anxiety problems and am journaling them here so I can remember for IC. But I hear what you are all saying, ultimately the problem is not me.
Sandi, I'm going to reply to your post separately.
