Another case of WW

[sandi2]

There's a lot of conflicting information on how NC / Radio Silence / Going Dark should work... and I don't see the specific in Sandi's rules or MWD's book. It mostly just says don't initiate as it is pursuing, but does not mention on whether to respond.

Complete zero contact and Going Dark are what I consider extreme methods, and there have been such cases where I suggested it. However, if the couple has children, it’s nearly impossible to maintain that status for much length of time……but some people try. Generally, I think when we refer to NC, we are really suggesting that the LBS should not find excuses to initiate contact with the WS. My eyes roll at some of the excuses a LBH finds to contact his cheating WW. We can tell him not to initiate contact unless it's business or about the kids.......and it they will find some flimsy excuse and claim they have a question about the kids, when in reality......it's the betrayed spouse missing the wayward. But anyway, it is a decision the betrayed spouse makes, and he doesn’t discuss it with his WW……he just does the action of not initiating, if that makes sense. I believe Another Stander explained it. I'll just add that most WW's get angry when the H isn't sitting on the ready button every time she calls or texts him with some useless stuff. For example, if she sends a photo of a cute kitten, and no text message..........I see it useless stuff. Why? B/c the WW uses these forms of contact to keep the disrespected H emotionally attached. And why does she want him emotionally attached when she doesn't want to be his W? It secures her backup plan. Hubby will be there for her when her affair fizzles out. Everything is about her selfishness.

You would be surprised how some WW's suddenly become so friendly & chatty in texting the H she has betrayed, monopolizing his time and jacking his hopes that she might actually miss him or reconsider the M/D. Selfishness! Write it on the inside of your eyeballs. She is not "reaching out" to you. She is keeping you emotionally attached for very selfish reasons. If only the LBH was able to lay his emotions aside and see her wayward nature as it currently operates, he would run for the hills and never look back. It's sad how he continues to look for glimpses of the girl he married. She's gone. Will she ever return? Let me just say this......... it won't be suddenly. Don't trust any sudden change in her that .........run! It's fake. She'll have to work very hard and make a lot of inner changes before she is close to being the woman you thought she was. Is it possible? Yes, it is very possible, but it won't happen like you think it will.

We have some "business" stuff to discuss, but if she wants to talk about how she's feeling, do I continue listen / validate / ask questions, or don't even engage in the feeling conversations?

Now don't jump to the polar opposite of what we say. If it a business meeting, then stick to taking care of business. If she tries to bring the relationship into the discussion, I suggest you try to steer her back on track, if possible. You don't want to be mute if this really is about business. If she wants to talk about "her" feelings, you can listen to what she has to say, as long as she keeps it civil and doesn't start raising her voice, calling you names, threatening, or a number of other negative things. If this is the first discussion since the split, I would caution you to expect almost any emotion to come out of her. WW's operate from whatever emotion they feel at the moment. You, on the other hand, are suppose to have logic, so don't let her emotions sway you. If she gets out of hand, then you leave. (BTW, I suggest you don't meet somewhere you can't walk away (like your house) should she start screaming, cursing, etc.) If she keeps a civil tongue, then you can listen to what she has to say. Mostly nod your head to indicate you hear what she is saying. This is "her" talk, and unless she is trying to pick your feelings, or if she proposes a reconciliation, or whatever......let it be her talk, and don't interrupt her with your opinion or argue with her about how she feels. This is separate from business, but WW's have a hard time separating their feelings from everything else. If you can validate her feelings, then say something very short & simple, like......."I can see how that could be upsetting". Don't use the same validation statement over & over, don't get chatty, and don't throw a validation statement out there every time she ends a sentence. Don't let let it go on for hours, b/c you should not being saying very much. Do not agree to her coming back to the house, or even a reconciliation. It won't be genuine, and she hasn't done the work. Be extremely careful and have no outcome expectations. Now let me ask..........who really wants to talks, you or WW.

When it comes to validation, Another Stander is the best. I don't see many men as good. I honestly have a little problem validating the feelings of WW's, just knowing how WW’s are, but maybe that's just me. Some nice-guys really over kill with validation statements. I see a lot of newcomers who become too distracted trying to find an opportunity to validate, and they completely miss other things b/c they are so intensely focused on how to validate the wayward person. I think they (especially those with NGS) see it along the same lines as talking their way back into the R, and that's not it at all. You may notice in some threads where the LBH reports that he validated.........but he doesn't tell us what he actually said, so who knows if he did the right way or wrong way. Nice guys are quick to jump on the validation wagon……but they don’t want to do anything that falls in the category of tough love.

I'm a believer in the WW facing a loss that her H previously provided. I’m not suggesting that he acts like a jerk, but neither do I think he should be so available and accommodating. Not for punitive reasons, but b/c she didn’t appreciate what she had, and she took him for granted…….and part of the process she needs to experience in order to fully recover, is a glimpse of the empty space that her H once occupied.

I hope people understand what I’m trying to communicate here. IMHO, once the WW has dropped the bomb or the betrayed spouse discovers there is a third party……there should be an immediate shift that makes a statement about the betrayed spouse. He is not going to be soft, tender, accommodating, available, chatty, or BFF's with the wayward spouse who has disrespected him. I suggest there that there is a noticeable crack/break in their MR. That means the betrayed spouse will not pretend that everything is honky-dory in their MR, and play happy family with the wayward spouse. I’m going to stop telling LBH’s to be polite, b/c somehow they manage to turn into chatty bagpipes that can’t find the function key to close his mouth. Just be civil. Don’t be a jerk………just be civil following the period after the BD. Most men want to start showing his changes and dancing to the tune of “please pick me”, and jumping through hoops of fire if it will persuade his WW to stay with him. No, this is not effective with a wayward.

I get how the LBS wants to go into marriage repair mode and “win” back the spouse who no longer loves or even feels attracted to them....but it doesn’t work. Even if the LBS does a 180 on all their old bad habits and becomes a terrific version of their former self…….it doesn’t win back the wayward wife. I’m not against improving yourself, but the WW is not interested as long as she is in a state of limerance. It is not the time to try to impress her with improvements as her H, b/c there has been a firing and another man is filling that position (at least, emotionally). If the LBH will give the WW serious personal space, emotionally and physically, and take the time to develop bigger b@lls (him, not his WW), and lets her face some consequences that come from her bad decisions/choices………..then he’ll have an opportunity to show her what a great catch she put on the open market for all the single females out there. I can talk more about this later.

Well, some people may read today's post and think I am trying to get you divorced. I promise that's not the case.