Sorry for the slow reply, I typed this up early yesterday but apparently never sent it:
J, I'll post the castle analogy down at the bottom of this post.
Originally Posted by Jdevast
She invited me to stay for something to eat. I put the kids to bed and she mentioned how the day had seemed too close to normal and to the past and how she would be happier once I have my own place. I validated that the must have been difficult for her.and I left on kinda good terms.
This right here is EXACTLY what the picnic analogy is describing. She suddenly realized where she was and what was happening and ran back into the castle. Good response in just validating.
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At 16years old I have to make the decision to end his suffering.
Oh man, sorry to hear that. That old saying "when it rains is pours" really seems to apply to many of our sitches. Not too long after BD my dad was diagnosed with throat cancer, it's just a lot to have to deal with misery and grief on multiple fronts.
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Yesterday she was crying and I approached her and she set a clear boundary that she didn't want any comfort. Later in the day she again reiterated how she needed a private life. She also stated after meeting friends last night she had yet to cry about the end of our relationship stating she had felt frozen.
That sure seems like adding insult to injury giving what you are going through, but unfortunately WAS's can be so cold and uncaring at times like that. For now she is not who she was. Maybe she will be again some day, but it could be quite a while.
Castle/ picnic analogy (from many years ago):
Imagine that the WAS is inside an impenetrable castle. WAS is deep inside the castle walls and has no desire to see the outside world. WAS has his/her own world right there inside those cold, stone walls.
Then there's you. You're sitting on the other side of the moat (drawbridge is up, btw). You've got a nice blanket laid out on the cool, green grass, and you're enjoying yourself by having a wonderful picnic all alone. You're absolutely content with this, and aren't even concerned with the castle and the WAS within (in fact, you've got your back to it).
Eventually, WAS gets a little curious about the what's going on outside the castle, and decides to take a peek over the walls. WAS sees you, just sitting there enjoying yourself. He/She is surprised, because previously you had been throwing rocks at the castle, singing and dancing in hopes of getting their attention. WAS is wondering what you're up to, and why you're so content. After a while, WAS decides to lower the drawbridge and join you at your picnic. WAS sits down, and you just act as if -- you're happy, confident, etc. Suddenly, WAS realized where he/she is and what he/she is doing, and it scares the hell out him/her. WAS jumps up and dashes back to the castle for no apparent reason. You however, didn't even budge or flinch. WAS peeks back out to see what you're doing, and notices that you're still sitting in the same place, enjoying yourself without concern. Again, WAS is surprised, and eventually comes out again. This time WAS stays a little longer, but again gets spooked and runs back. However, you're still not deterred from enjoying your picnic. The WAS's visits begin to happen more and more, and they last longer and longer. Once he/she realizes that there is no risk for him/her (i.e. that you won't bring up the R, pursue her, get angry, become needy, etc), WAS begins to reflect on things, and begins questioning his/her choice to go to the castle. In time, WAS decides to bring up the R, and this is when you can discuss it with him/her because WAS is ready and has initiated the talk.
THIS is why it is important to avoid pursuing, because it gives the WAS the opportunity to miss you, reflect, see your changes and strength, etc. So, the next time me or anyone else tells you to just enjoy your picnic, you'll know what it means. This is a term that we used a lot this summer, but it kind of went away. I think it describes the pursuit dynamic perfectly. Don't chase the WAS back into the castle and hold him/her captive by standing outside the walls and trying to get his/her attention. As long as this is the case, it is likely that they'd rather starve themselves in their castle than come out.
