I definitely needed that reminder...dont let her bait me into a fight, got it.
So I had to finish my midterm (last one, thank heavens above) and couldn't talk when W got home. She wanted to finish the discussion after I had stopped replying (when she said I was refusing to leave). By the time I was done, she had gone to bed. So I assume this convo is going to happen tomorrow and will go along similar lines. I think I have everything in a row, she really cannot tell me to leave. I will tell her if she can't stand it, she can be the one to arrange something else. I don't know how many times I can tell her I don't want to go live with my grandmother in the house where my grandpa just died. She says it is not unreasonable that she doesn't want to live together. But it is also not unreasonable for me to say it cannot happen immediately, because she suddenly wants to change everything about our lives with no input from me. If she was so unsure she shouldn't have signed so many legal contracts.
Ultimately, I feel I am in a lose lose situation. She doesn't want to be with me, I want to move on, it [censored] to be stuck without a clean break. I get that. If we somehow R because I don't leave (which I think is what she fears), then I most likely be stuck having hope again with someone who seems to just be convincing herself and me that she wants to be with me during times outside of BD. This is what I have resigned myself to believe, that she wanted to love me but never truly could enough for some reason. Maybe just that anxiety over the imbalance. I probably pushed too hard. Just like I pushed while she was away and caused this latest round. It guts me. I wish I did not love her so much.
