I’d decided not post for awhile until/unless something material happened in my sitch. I’m coming here to process a conversation I just had with H. He was here to drop off D4 and put her to bed. He seemed kind of grumpy and a bit distant, and made it clear he was very tired. For context, he was out of town last weekend visiting family and found out his estranged father passed away. Since then he’s been emotional and (I think) dealing with a lot of stuff coming up. On my end, I’ve been working with my IC on truly allowing myself to grieve this loss and start to detach myself.
Tonight he initiated what turned out to be an R talk. He started by stating that he is frustrated with the amount of money he’s been giving me, and that I haven’t found a job yet given that D4 is in school now. He started going off about how I should be focused on getting any job I can and not spend so much time searching for me “dream job”. I did my best to listen and validate, and stayed calm. He devolved into talking about resentments he has toward me from our past around work and finances, and referencing them as examples of why he is feeling burned by me with the voluntary support he’s been giving me. He stopped for a moment and said “maybe there’s no point in talking about this” and I gently said “I think there is.”
He didn’t hesitate and started talking about how I made him feel completely unappreciated in the past, both in regards to finances and just in general as a person. He gave multiple examples of times I made him feel that way. His feelings were not news to me, but some of his specific examples definitely were. I just listened and validated until he was done. I then got the opportunity to tell him the way I have felt about this topic for some time now. I actually had major realizations around this when I read a Gottman book early on in our sitch, but i knew he wasn’t open to hearing about it up until this conversation. I asked if he’d like to hear my response and he said he would.
I told him that I had realized all the ways that I made him feel unloved and unappreciated over and over during our marriage. I told him that I had realized all at once when reading the book that that was why he felt he needed to leave, and it was a crushing realization. I told him that I had come to realize that I ha covered all my more vulnerable feelings and fears about our relationship with anger and criticism, because I didn’t know how to communicate my authentic feelings with him. I told him that, at that time, I didn’t have the understanding of myself or of relationships, or the tools I needed to communicate my true feelings. He stopped me and said, “you already realized all of this? Before today?” And I told him yes, and that I just hadn’t felt right bringing it up.
He asked me “why couldn’t you just tell me how you really felt?” And I told him that aside from my own shortcomings, that I had felt shut down and stonewalled many times when coming to him with my pain or my fears. He acknowledged that he had likely started shutting me down early in our relationship due in part to his own baggage. I told him that that when I had these realizations about my contributions to his wanting out, I felt crushed and helpless because these were huge failures on my part, as a spouse. I realized that I was so fearful about things festering that I hounded him into having conversations about every single thing that came up between us, rather then letting little things go. I told him I held back my loving words and affection because I wasn’t feeling my needs were met, and that I realized How selfish that is. I told him that I had failed him and made him think that I hadn’t loved or valued him, and that neither of those things were ever true. He sat quietly listening to all of this
. I cried while I talked (it couldn’t be helped, but I kept it under control). I realized I was talking a lot so I stopped and just sat in the quiet for a few moments. He softened and he told me how much he appreciated the things I was saying. He thanked me for being so calm and said that it’s nice how often we can talk later without me getting angry or things getting escalated. I agreed. I told him I’d always appreciated his calm nature. He sat quietly for a bit, and then apologized for going on the attack in the beginning of the conversation, and said he doesn’t think all those bad things about me, that they just come from past hurts feelings. I told him I understood. He stood to leave and gave me a long hug for the first time in AGES and he left.
I’m stunned. I’m also feeling like the universe gave me some kind of a break, as I had been looking through journals today and had come across the entry where I wrote these very realizations while reading the Gottman book. Literally this morning I made a mental note that I wanted to express them to H regardless of where we are. And then this happened. I do not know what, if anything, this means about his head space. But I do know this was a breakthrough in one way or another. I would love read any feedback or thoughts anyone may have!
