Another case of WW

[LovingIt]

First of all, thanks for taking the time Sandi. I really appreciate your input since you've contributed so much on WW specifically. And thanks for all the other vets (LH19, AnotherStander, everyone else) who commented with words of encouragement and 2x4s

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Are you in competition with OM and the prize is your WW? If you answer honestly, you may say that is how you feel. We want you to have a different mindset in how you see yourself, your life, your WW, & possible reconciliation. I would dare guess you have mainly thought about her and her feelings......her actions......your chances with her......and what it will take to get this great prize back into your arms again.
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It initially started that way with me 100% pursuing her as the prize. Since WW moved out and we had separation, I learned from various resources that I need to be happy and fulfilled on my own again, and that I need to become the prize. Is part of me still doing it, probably, but fake it till you make it?

If I step back objectively, I have supportive friends (who's not given me biased advice, but patiently listened and probed me on my feelings), have a great career, in good physical shape, and have lots of hobbies and sports. Aside from this current BS, I actually have a great life that I am very appreciative for.

So what I'm working on is getting my daily emotions in check, slowly breaking out of that initial anxiety from the loss of attachment / codependency, and regaining my confidence as a single person, which took quite a hit from the BDs.

I have most of my lower level Maslow's hierarchy of needs met, so now I'm getting to the meaning of life question, and what brings me happiness and fulfillment on my own outside of the stuff I'm already doing - which is really hard. If I could ask for one thing aside from this BS to make me happier that would be for my mom to be alive again.

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In other words, what guides you through life? Where do you draw the line? When I read the above quote, I get the sense that you are not certain. I want to encourage you to take time to know yourself, first, before deciding to reconcile or divorce. Take this time to really think about your self respect, your belief system, your desires and personal goals in life. What type of man are you? Do you have high morals and/or religious standards by which you conduct life? Do you feel your integrity has been compromised......or could be compromised? Do you feel others respect you? Are you a leader or follower? Who called the shots at home?
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I hold myself to high moral standards when it comes to how I treat people (not religious - but raised by buddhist mom), but I also do have do party and have fun and have my vices. I am authentic, honest and direct. I feel that my friends, family, co-workers definitely respects me for who I am. I felt respected in the relationship up until BD and how everything played out after.

Do I feel my integrity or self-respect has been compromised? No, because I did not commit the infidelity. Maybe some of my self-respect in how I pursued initially, but more of my pride because people might think that I'm weak for staying in the MR?

I don't think anyone wishes for this to happen and says that they will be okay with it. Prior to BD, I always thought I would immediately end a relationship if my partner had an affair, and WW thought so too. She had a surprised look when I didn't blow up on her after BD. What made me consider reconciliation is how everyone (close friends, family, IC, resources) says that I should take my time navigating thru this decision, meaning that people didn't see infidelity as black and white relationship ending as I initially thought. The first thing I did was research whether infidelity was MR ending, and discovered that relationship experts (Esther, MWD, Gottman, etc...) seems to suggest this is reconcilable, and it may be better? Could just be confirmation bias.

I'm neither leader or follower... grew up as only child and moved around a lot with single parent, so I would call myself more of a loner Dealt with a lot of hardship growing up between parents divorcing, moving around a lot, mom dying, etc. So I know I'll survive, bounce back, and be okay.

With regards to calling shots at home, we try to make it pretty equal. We alternate on who gets to pick meals or movies, etc. We make joint decisions when it comes to home finance or travel related decisions. We keep our own spending budget, so we buy stuff that we want individually. WW is very smart, logical (or so I thought), strong willed, and kind of an alpha, but she always felt like I had more power in the relationship, so we tried to make it fair.

Is this getting into the Alpha vs Beta, Masculine vs Feminine dynamics? Been researching a lot of that along with High Value vs Low Value (prize), Blue pill vs Red pill (a bit extreme in my mind).

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Yes, she will probably want to talk, but she wants to talk about......HER feelings, accomplishing nothing. Remember ping-pong, and you have to take yourself out of that dimension......or it goes on & on. Remove yourself from the drama. At the moment, you can't trust her. You can't believe her when she talks about going back home. She's throwing you bread crumbs. As long as some other guy is in her head, you will just be used for whatever benefits her.
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So what do I do when she wants to talk about us? Do I agree, and then listen and validate. Do not pursue and reiterate the conditions / boundaries of ending the A and complete transparency? Or do I just decline / avoid the opportunity to talk completely? If not, then when will I know when/how she is serious?

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If you really mean you want the opportunity to put forth your best self.........then you will see your opportunity for developing your best self is NOW, while you are separated. See, I know you aren't buying all this self improvement stuff we are talking. I can tell when a newcomer is saying just enough to sound as if he's picking up the correct method/technique...........but he hasn't started applying any of that stuff. He wants a bullet point sheet with the how-to of getting his W back, and preferably, from the OM. smirk There are things you need to heal, to develop, ect. Once she is back in the house, do you seriously believe the wonderful best side of you is going to come out and deal with all the cr@p fallout? No, it doesn't work that way.
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No, I've been researching / reading DB, MB, Love Languages, Mars vs Venus, etc. Learning about emotional needs, communication, codependency vs interdependency, conflict resolution, etc. I told WW and IC that I probably should improve in those areas regardless for my next relationship, and it might even help at work, since a lot of people are scared of me for how I come off :P

But yes, she will probably come back to confront the infidelity / trust issues again. It might suck for us, but I don't think that part can bypassed and worked on my own.

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Have you ever had an affair, or inappropriate behavior with anyone?
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100% NO, and WW has always stated her 100% trust in me in that area.