Another case of WW

[LovingIt]

Attended a couple more MC sessions, but between contact with AP and episode of not coming home, the therapist politely mentioned that she typically does not do counseling with couples when there is AP involved still. The therapist even suggested that one of us move out to get separation if she continues to do this and I was not okay with it I was not okay with her behavior. We did agree that it's not okay for her to disrespect me, and expect me to respect her coming home.

Have you considered what she would have to do in order for you to physically separate from her? I think your WW finally moved out of the house, but I'm just curious why you disagreed with the counselor's suggestion.

(corrected a sentence to read more clearly)

Yes, WW moved out 4 weeks ago with a couple bags of clothes 4 weeks ago by her choice. Time flies... she still have a lot of stuff at home.

Initially I was hesitant / scared with one of us moving out just because I felt like it would enable the A further, and we might just fall apart faster with less interaction. Also, I was not confident that MC specialized in infidelity or is pro-marriage. Fortunately, I stumbled into DB website the night she moved out, while I was trying figure out what the F to do. In retrospect, the time and space was much better than the chaos we were stuck in daily.

I know someone else has already commented on the drinking, but it appears to cause unwise decisions/behavior in your W. If she is an alcoholic, and if she decided to address the problem by turning to professional help........how would you feel about it? Would it interfere with you drinking or your social activities?

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I don't want to sound preachy, but have you taken her drinking seriously? Would you stop drinking, if you believed it would save your M?

We have talked about it before, but never got professional help. Similar to why we didn't seek professional help in MR until it's way too late.

I have always told WW that our drinking causes problem, and we are both responsible since we enable each other and don't hold each other accountable. If she decided to work on the issue, of course I would be supportive and not drink also. Socially, it will be really hard, as it probably is for most people who drink.

You mentioned your anger. What is the root cause of this anger? Did you ever discuss it with the counselor?

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For years, I had anger issues (yelling, throwing / breaking stuff, name calling) ...

So, you no longer have the anger issues?

Sounds cliche, but the root cause of my anger management stems from growing up with parents (since divorced) having similarly bad arguments - except they both escalated it. I have always thought that's just how people behaved when they were angry... if I was angry and hurt, then the other person needed to feel it too, otherwise they don't know how much it bothered me. I own it... immaturity on my end.

I want to believe that I no longer have the anger issues, only time can tell... I now realize the severe damage it can inflict on MR, and that it is emotional abuse. Expensive lesson learned. Been good in past few months since BD and its episodes, but not sure if my initial behavior change is just following the script of a LBS reacting to the potential loss.

Been reading / learning on how to communicate my emotions more effectively... feel like a doormat sometimes, whereas displaying anger feels less of a doormat :P

She mentioned to me that she can’t continue to be pulled in 2 different directions every day, and she needed some space to figure out what she wants. She came back Sunday to pack some stuff, come to find out she got a short-term rental over the weekend and moved out. I don't know if it was triggered by the talk with the therapist, or she just wanted to be with the AP, or both - I assumed the worst.

I read one author's description about the WW, OM, & LBH as a ping-pong game. The H and OM are paddles on opposite ends of the table, and the WW is ball. She feels confused, can't make up her mind, doesn't want to give up OM but doesn't want to commit to saving the M, and runs back & forth from M to affair. This can go on for a very long time. The only way to end this ping-pong game, is for one player to stop playing the game.

Most things I tell LBH's are from the viewpoint of the WW. With that said, my advice to you is to drop your W. Stop playing the ping-pong game.

I have dropped the rope on my end since she moved out. Trying to detach, GAL, NC, self improve.

I only respond texts that are "business" related, and met up a couple times to catch up and talk about us and listen to how she is feeling.

... did not speak her love language and neglected her emotional needs (even though we actually spent a lot of time doing activities together), and dismissed her when she asked / nagged for help out around the house (often escalated into bad arguments) ...

Do you know what your W's love language really is? What are her emotional needs?

She mentioned that of the 5 love languages, her love language are "physical touch" and "words of affirmation".

Her emotional needs (depending on what list you go by) that she brought up post BD were Affection, Sexual Fulfillment, Intimate Conversation. It changed quite a bit when we discussed them, so I'm not sure if she was rewriting history to justify her A. The 3 emotional needs are closely related and probably stems from Affection, so hard to pin point, and it aligns with the love languages.

Honestly, I feel like all of the love languages and emotional needs are important to WW. I just think that the ones that she mentioned are the ones that I didn't provide very well, and that's what she is getting from the AP.

I agree that it needs to be improved on my end, most women would want them in a relationship...

As a side note, My MC/IC says I'm like a robot, and I am too logical and pretty guarded - do not display enough emotions / vulnerability.

... and dismissed her when she asked / nagged for help out around the house (often escalated into bad arguments) ...

Why would you dismiss her whenever she asked for help?

I guess we just got into a bad communication pattern when it comes to cleaning. She made me feel like I didn't do anything around the home because I didn't clean on her schedule or clean as much as her. She acknowledges that I'm very reliable and dependable otherwise, just not when it comes to cleaning. I know... seems petty to escalate, but I think it was built up resentment on both parties. I own my end of it.