Gerda Rises Up to Go On

[DnJ]

Good Morning Gerda

It is nice to hear how clear and accurate you are, and that you know you are.

Also the going a thousand miles on fumes is a good description. So, what (or who or where - I’m not wanting to limit you ) refills your tank?

Do you still love her?

Yes.

And in truth, I love her more now than probably ever before.

Love is strange. And is not enough.

I did hang on very tightly and had to let go for my own sanity. I had a lot of despair and desperate love pains. Lovingly letting go, freeing someone to let them figure out their path, ahhhh that feels good. That is peaceful.

Loving someone else, as you said, I know I can do that. My heart is big enough, and healed enough.

The obedience to vows, the possible limitations to ones life. Yep, things to reconcile within yourself.

If it helps, from the heart and mind of DnJ, there is no right or wrong here, just your perceptions. Perhaps you are adjusting them. Perhaps they require adjustment. My certainly did.

There is some part of me that feels very strongly that once I let my kids see me love someone else, the game is up. I don't ever want to do that. I hated seeing that as a child.

Hate is a really strong and powerful emotion and response. Your strong feelings regarding what could happen if your kids see you love someone else. Sounds a lot like a emotionally based response - a fear.

Do not make decisions based on feelings and emotions. Follow your beliefs and values.

Beliefs are a force within you. They include thought and emotions, and are beyond them, something more. You can have a belief based on fear and hatred, but I am pretty sure you would rather not.

To be clear, I am not admonishing you in the least. I am suggesting you look into this value, this belief, and find the hidden deep reason behind it. The belief won’t change (maybe) but the reason for it, will. And then so will you. And your perceptions.

OK, so what do you think is an age appropriate way to tell a 10-year old?

To start with: D10, I love you and I still love your father, even though at times he really bugs me.

I think Dad is really hurting inside and is feeling a lot of emotional pain. It kind of explains some of his behaviour and what is going on. (I would suspect questions and observations will arise about his inner pain, his behaviour, his leaving you, and so on)

(Explain his MLC as just that)

I believe something happened from Dad’s childhood, something traumatic, and it hurt him deeply. He was young and didn’t know how to handle or cope with it. He has no one to ask questions too, or he didn’t want too. So he just ignored it. Unfortunately when we get older sometimes these old wounds open up and surface. And they really hurt, so people try to outrun the pain. Of course you really can’t, but Dad doesn’t see that right now.

I have a really good friend, his name is DnJ, and his wife did something similar as Dad did. He explained to his kids and younger nephew and niece that this is kind of like a broken arm, except it is the mind. Just like the arm, it is broken, and it is very serious. It causes extreme pain, and your arm can’t work correctly.

Unfortunately Dad doesn’t see, or doesn’t want to see, how broken his mind is. And unlike an arm, one’s self really cannot see it is broken. Just think about that, your mind tells you what’s wrong - but what if your mind is wrong? Hmmmm.

So, I and you still love Dad. It is ok to be kind to him, and be compassionate to his suffering. It is also ok, to feel angry at him sometimes as well. Or any other feelings. In time things will settle, and you and Dad will find a balance. Ha, even Dad and I will find a balance.

You know Dad and I are getting a divorce. Dad has other plans at the moment. You’ve met his GF and married people don’t have serious Mom & Dad type relationships with other people.

- - - -

That is just some ideas, I did consider writing your daughter a letter, like I did your son. I can if you would like me to supplement your approach to this. It is up to you.

Gerda, this is hard stuff, figuring out what to tell our children. Look to the end goal here. Do you want D10 (think D18 or further) to hate Dad’s GF? To really harbour a deep grudge towards this woman? Or Dad? Of course not. And neither do you.

We as the sane stable parent do everything in our power to be the rock for our children. To prevent this from have a devastating affect on their future - something I completely believe is possible. This is more than just words, it is actions, and it is choices. It is leading with example and grace and light.

And sometimes a change of perceptions is required.

DnJ