I’m feeling a little sorry for myself and I don’t know why I would have these feelings. I have several good friends, more than a few that I would call close. I have a full, active life. I don’t have to worry about money, or feeding myself or my kids. D20 is doing better. I have a lot to be thankful for, and I AM thankful for it. Maybe I’m just in the final stages of mourning a marriage I wish I had, with someone committed to me, who appreciates my qualities and wants to make me happy rather than always taking and blaming. Mourning the person I wish H was.
I realize I still don’t want to be divorced. But it doesn’t change my course. That is exactly what I believe has to happen now. For me, for my kids, maybe even for H. It will allow me to continue to fine tune who I really am without all the focus on trying to fix someone (H), and something (my M). I just need to guard against trying to find someone else to fix (except my patients, of course).
Yes, please keep fixing your patients. That is well within your realm of control and affect.
I love your clarity of feel, thought, and belief. This ^^^ is another great example of it.
I know you don’t want this, and it feels bad and feels good - weird I know. It’s ok.
And like has been said many times, feelings are fleeting, do not make decisions based solely upon them; find and follow slow changing beliefs.
It’s your hard earned beliefs; the values of Grace that you found, strengthened, and lead your life with. Those provide such clarity, and a lighthouse must be clear to be seen. Beliefs are what is vital and so very important to you. The big things in life. The things you cannot and will not live without. And as odd as it is, a marriage isn’t a vital as one first thinks it is.
Marriage could end from a death. Grace would still have to go on. The reason for the ending is not all encompassing and important - what one does after - that is one of the big rocks to place. Once those big rocks, those values, are in place, let the small pebbles of life fill in the voids around them. If one does it the other way around all one has is pebbles and no important stuff - like our MLCer spouses have done to their lives.
From the other side of this divorce business I’ll pass some of my perspective. Divorce is what I just said - business. Treat it like that. Keep feelings out of it. The hard truth of the matter:
The marriage is dead, the spouse wants out, divorce or not makes no difference, proceed if needed, it’s just a business deal.
Regardless of if one is still married or not, if our spouse awakens, a whole new R needs to be created. The following speaks to that.
Originally Posted by Grace21
I’ve seen too much growth and change NOT to believe in my course.
Yes! You have far too much hard earned lessons and wisdom, far too much growth, to change your path. Your H, anyone’s spouse if they were to awaken, needs to catch up to you. Nothing short of that will do! You most certainly do not want to throw away everything or anything of what you have gained, for him or anyone. You are still the most important person in all this, never sell yourself short.
Originally Posted by Grace21
I think the real problem is I still in some small way want H to come along for the ride. And the question is why? After all he’s done.
Of course you want him to come along for the ride, even after all he has done.
Why?
Because you love him. Maybe even unconditionally.
Embrace that - it’s ok.
At first we cannot do that. Seriously - can’t. One needs to find detachment, and indifference. One needs too, to survive.
Then move forward, letting go, maybe a divorce, maybe not, whatever. Then continuing with empathy, compassion, kindness, and understanding, one finds forgiveness and realizes that they can and do love their wayward spouse and that feeling, that thought, that belief, that choice - no longer hurts!
Why?
Because you chose to love him. And it is becoming unconditional.
This is just as counterintuitive as other new, and at first, strange feelings and thought along this path. Embrace this. Explore this.
Forgiveness is not condone. Forgiveness is love. Forgiveness is a belief. Forgiveness is a choice. It is for you.
Originally Posted by Grace21
My course won’t change. I believe in my course, my future, and all the good and joy it promises. I just have to find a way to let go of the string that keeps trying to drag H along.
It’s just going to hold me back.
Follow your beliefs. Look towards and find find all the joys, sorrows, and happiness your unknown future holds.
A final point of view (for now ).
Quit trying to let go that one or few strings still attached to H. I believe we are meant to have a couple remain tied to our spouse. Unconditional love and forgiveness needs something to grow upon.
Change how you see this string. Make a choice. Change your paradigm.
Stop trying to cut the string. It is actually an unbreakable one.
The string is completely stretchable and transcends space and time.Therefore it cannot hold you back.
This forgiveness, this unconditional love, this string, is so very sweet and free of pain.
The string cannot drag H along. However, it could be a guide for H if he ever chooses to follow it.
Be the lighthouse.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
That is well within your realm of control and affect.