D, again I will say I'm really liking these recent you-centered posts, well done!
Originally Posted by DaB35
If my W asks I'll just be honest and say "I'm going with [person]" and not say sorry or 'didn't think you'd want to go now'. IF she doesn't mention it as she's forgotten about it, even better.
Good, but I wouldn't say who you are going with, if she brings it up just say you've made other arrangements.
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I caught the end of a programme on UK TV last night. It's about two couples who split up some time ago, and they're made to meet up again and stay in a house/flat each (with cameras etc.) and they have to talk about where their R went wrong and to see what might happen in the future. It was so interesting to watch. Nobody was married but still interesting to see.
NOBODY did any validating. None.
Validation doesn't come naturally to most people. It's a learned skill for sure. That show actually sounds interesting. These situations look completely different when you are on the outside looking in than when you are one of the parties.
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It was just a mix of arguing, going round and round the same points, repeating sentences, a bit of shouting, one of them walking off in a huff, etc. Both couples worked things out by the end of the show
For a while anyway. But for most couples that is a repeating pattern... until one of them becomes a WAS.
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, but I found myself thinking in my head what I'd say if I were in those situations, and was instinctively using validating sentences as per examples on this board, which I was pleased with - something's sunk in at least!
Instead of Him - "You did this! How could you!" Her - "It wasn't like that!" Him - "I can't believe you'd do it" etc. OR
Her - "So did you do [x] with [name of person]?" Him - "Umm. Look what happened basically was..." (stuttering, arms flailing about) Her - "Do I have to draw you a picture like a child? Did you do [x]?"
I was thinking stuff like: "You're saying when I did [x] that made you feel [x]." or "Right, I can see how [emotion/feeling] that would be when you found out about [x]" or "So when I was [x] you felt [x]."
Great thoughts. You're reprogramming yourself to be a better partner!
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It's a hidden gem of a communication skill. NOBODY tells you about this.
It should be taught as part of a life skills class (or classes) in school, along with balancing a checkbook and managing credit card debt! But here we are, LOL!
