Perfecting my inner peace

[Rita]

H is on my mind a lot these days. Probably because of the recent e-mail exchanges. Or, maybe it’s just part of the ebb and flow of letting go. Or maybe because I’ve been home along a lot because I’ve been sick all week. Lots of time for thinking. I guess the reason probably doesn’t really matter.

I’m feeling a little sorry for myself and I don’t know why I would have these feelings.

((((Grace))))))

This is kind of what I was alluding to in my last post to you. I have gotten the feeling from your posts of late that you are determined to fix your broken heart your way, by divorcing and having a clean break. I don't think this is possible either from a secular perspective or a faith-based perspective. Divorce may be a necessary evil for you because of financial considerations; I'm in the same boat. But it has nothing to do with your heart or God's plan for marriage. It is not going to fix anything or heal you. Only God and time can do that. The feelings of heartbreak are going to persist. Some people on this board allow healing via secular means; some people lay it at God's feet. I feel like you are straddling both fences, and I do too. But you can't think that just because you are divorcing, you are going to fix anything or keep wondering at the fact that you are not fixed yet! To my mind, you just started your journey!

And if God has a plan to restore your marriage, the divorce may be part of that plan, it may be a step on that road.

The trouble is what to do with your heart and your plans in the meantime. It's messy and uncomfortable to not know. Believe me, that is my struggle too, I am sure you have seen that anguish in my posts.

I’ve seen too much growth and change NOT to believe in my course. I think the real problem is I still in some small way want H to come along for the ride. And the question is why? After all he’s done.

It is not a problem. And the answer is because you never chose to give up your role as your wife and your heart can remember the one flesh and feel it ripping.

So, no. My course won’t change. I believe in my course, my future, and all the good and joy it promises. I just have to find a way to let go of the string that keeps trying to drag H along.

It’s just going to hold me back.

Maybe the way forward is to move forward into joy even with part of you wanting H to come back and believing in the impossible, post-divorce. Maybe it's with H and maybe not, or maybe it's without H for years and then with him later. It might be messier than you want, keeping your heart as a fleshy heart. It might mean sitting with the complexity in a way that is more painful than a clean break. It's a radical trusting of God and one that I am obviously not able to do when I post myself, but I work on it in between. I see plenty of posters on here who think they made a clean break but still struggle with the pain. It's just a fact of our lives, I think. We can live with joy and GAL and friends and family but it's okay to have a corner of the heart that will mourn at times. Only the MLCer can pretend otherwise, and look at the fallout of that ability!

I think you do yourself a disservice wondering why you feel conflicted or thinking it's weak to want your H with you for the rest of your life's journey. That's what you signed up for. (And how do you know it's not the promptings of the Holy Spirit?) Just because H tried to sign off on what you both signed up for, that doesn't mean you can just get rid of the feeling. That's what MLC did for him; do you really want that? The pain of letting yourself feel it is the the worst, but that's the cross! Don't try to leave the cross on the side of the road with your determination to divorce! Pick up the pain and pick up the divorce, they ARE the cross!