Thanks CWarrior and LH19 I agree. I need to remove the emotion from it, the reactivity from it, tone it down a bit, and politely decline and stop trying to drive my point and POV home with her with this subject. I don't obviously have plans because I am watching sick S2 as a favor to her on my weekend off. (I volunteered to do it for her without her asking as a kind gesture.) So she knows I don't have plans. I have been in person with her, courteous, respectful, empathetic, validating, and polite with her.
I just can't tell if this is her being so extensively courteous every single time that she may be offering an olive branch. Or is she just being courteous by nature. I'm only doing this and acting this way regarding family functions with her, because a lot of the vets here suggested it doing family affairs seperate, if the WAS wants to seperate. Her actions of removing me from the mortgage, refinancing the house, meeting with a medium, moving BIL in, not agreeing for 50/50 custody, seeking as much CS and $ as possible, but she doesn't want to be responsible for alimony or CS to me if that is the way it goes. It's evidently clear what her intentions are for the M. And being me as a potential threat in her narrative and head very similar to Uni's sich. But she asks every single time when a family occaision comes up if I would consider going and when I politely decline, she still presses with a "ok well in case you change your mind" ... Even though I've established that boundary over 7 months ago and have been consistent with it every single time. A few months ago she told me that by me living here over the last seven months is like having an ex-boyfriend live with her, she wants her space. She probably won't remember this if I told her but, she also said a couple months ago that I was holding her back in life. So I'm out. Peace, Dueces. I'm moving. Im onto my own life, my own business, and my own thing.
So why would I attend family functions with her? There's no respect with being in the friend zone. There's her emotions, responses, actions, and attitude, although still in control, polite, but also all over the place. I can see her silently hurting just looking for distractions when I'm around her. I'm usually ignored by her but once in a while she'll be nice and make chitchat with me. She wants to move on with her life but she wants to invite me to all family occasions? So who is really sending mixed signals here? I'm sorry but you can't have it both ways. Again I am now a co-parent I am not a husband. I agree with what a lot of people say here how they want to act like a family but they don't want to be an intact family? Can't have your cake and eat it too. So yeah I'm venting and complaining about it here because it makes no sense to my logical mind. Do I need to fine tune a few things every time this comes up? Sure. But I'm going to keep delivering the same answer. "Thank you but I have plans." I just need to check myself, and what her clear intentions are. That's all.
I'm not going to lie I do want to go and she even extended the opportunity for me to go with S2 tomorrow again and again and again after me politely refusing 3 times. We had a little discussion before she left, she was upset with leaving S2 behind ( because he has ear and sinus infection), so I validated, and empathized. So who is really benefiting besides S2 and myself by seeing her family? Or is she benefiting by S2 being there. (If he feels better.) She's obviously not asking me because she wants me there. It's just an extended courtesy. By consistantly declining these functions, am I operating on principle pride and stubborness? Or by me attending these things, would it be helpful for me in the future to mend some fences? I'm sorry but men and women have totally different mindsets. Women who are no longer romantically attracted to someone usually think. "Ok ...but he will make a good friend if I keep him around." That's usury IMHO. and not self respecting to someone that dumped them, their family and their marriage.
I'm going off into another segway here but. Some people confuse self-help self-exploration self care and self-improvement with taking care of themselves and reinventing themselves with "Im doing this to better myself or feel good, or Im doing this for my children." I'm not saying give yourself away so the extent of your completely exhausted and drained emotionally and physically to a shell of your former self. Which is the position of lot of these WAW'S are in. Trust me I get it ladies about losing your identity in these and I can understand how a woman or even a Man can go through that as far as their identity, their changes, their purpose and their self worth, losing it and needing to find it for reasons of childhood trauma, or whatever reason etc.. Your sacrifice to your spouse and your family shouldn't cost you your sanity and your health and well being. I don't want to see these people like my XW and all of your W's unhappy, directionless, hurting, and conformed to someone else's idea of what they think they should be, they should have the freedom to make a change and be themselves, the new selves if they want to. But... But... I still think that they are short-sighted at best, and breaking up the family separating and divorcing by means of gaining back themselves, may be beneficial in the short run but not in the long run. I still find it to be that they are unawaringly a tad selfish in the pursuit of seeking happiness and saving themselves. IMHO. No one should ever control anyone in a marriage or in love or relationship But a lot of the WAS's here refused to see the chaos that they are causing the other person, not to mention the division of the family, hurt to the children, etc. Plus the expenditure of monetary means and assets that are really not necessary in fighting in all of this. When it comes down to the nitty-gritty of alimony and child support. (I'm sure most children turn out fine with divorced and separated parents.)
Keep this in mind because this important. In our culture. Even the best intended people who are commited to solely working on themselves after a divorce or breakup. Are going to date. Are going to sleep with people, for the sake of testing the waters of compatibility, companionship, pleasure, loneliness, experimentation, urge, and satisfaction. THAT DOESNT MEAN THEY ARE PURSUING OR INVOLVED IN A RELATIONSHIP. I may be projecting a little, but its just what I see in our culture, all around me, in other sich's and eventually in my own as well. Just fallen nature.
But this is how I think most men see it. Logically. They invested in a woman a bride, a wife, a helpmate, a lover, a family, a home, his love, his hard work, his commitment, his sacrifice for life. Now add the expense and grief of lawyers, court costs, selling of marital home, CS. And if by some miracle you get 50/50 custody as a man. Otherwise you'll be seeing your children every other weekend. all because someone woke up one day and thought I'm not happy and they had a midlife crisis or midlife transition.
That normal everyday marital arguments turn into being emotionally abusive and incompatible. That resentment that built within them without ever being addressed, but having expectations that no person could ever meet. That everything is supposed to be feelings and fairytale romances without ever having to work hard for anything or learn new means of communications, stragety, compromise, or coping skills through pro marital therapy or counciling. Isn't that why we are all here because we knew a part of us screwed up, and we want to learn, change and grow, but a part of us also knows that the other person should also take accountability and responsibility for the downward slide of the M. I think it there are a lot of great men and women here that understand our positions as well as our spouses. But IMHO. I still believe that in Western culture a lot of women really do not see or care about the struggles that men go through during a divorce, or the long term effects of it. That's what I don't see. I don't see that in every single one of our situations is the accountability or empathetic compassion of the other person they are hurting or their struggles. I don't see many women advocates for men. Or vice versa. I don't see a balance in the family courts regarding split asserts, income, CS, and award of 50/50 custody unless there is neglect involved from a man's perspective.
The WAS only care about themselves in these moments of crisis... The M or F. It's selfishness and ungodly at the core. Even though they may not realize it. Even if they're intentions are good. Men become walking ATMs for their resources, and are considered utilities in our society, and women become objectified sex objects by men as a result of all this. Its dehumanizing on both accounts.
If a man is obligated by society, by morale, as well as legally obligated by the family courts to provide to their ex spouses, children and families, then why do women in our society get to sherk all accountability, responsibility, and get to start their lives over with after divorce along with a new BF, more resources, at the BF's expense as well as the XH's? If this isn't dual mating stragety, I don't know what is?
The WAS thinks that if they just go on enough trips abroad, have enough new experiences, have enough affairs, find a new beau, get enough hobbies, do enough GAL, enough GGW or Guys GW, have a huge social life, obtain enough money, do enough therapy, fulfil all of their desires, buy enough makeup, enough clothes, perfumes and cologne, go to the gym enough, gets enough praise and external validation, leaves the person they once were the most intimate with that they will be happy. They think that they will be happy if they mediate enough, practice the law of attraction or karma, will it to the universe, draw up poster boards of all their desires in life, the places that they want to live, life they want to experience, that they will eventually receive or achieve it. Please by all means everyone strive to be your best. Always continue to improve. And although I don't want to impose my Christian beliefs on anyone here just needs to be said. There is your will and desire and then there's God's Will and purpose for your life. I choose to be happy and I choose to be grateful for everyday and I choose to trust in him. God created the universe, the law of attraction, and he is good in everything in your life. To acknowledge a source of power such as Reiki, Chakras, Horoscopes, or the law of attraction for meditation. Is to deny the source of its power. I would rather live a physically bankrupt life then spiritually bankrupt life. Our society is morally and spiritually bankrupt. If it wasn't, you wouldn't see so much corruption, so much ungodly influence, and you wouldn't see so many marriages fail.
Again so short-sighted. When you are old and gray and have no one to take care of you or if you are fortunate to have someone take care of you, you're still going to be having blended families, and our children missing out on what would have been a lot of good and sacred life lessons in being raised. Divorce busting taught me this if anything happiness is a choice and it comes from within. It is in my case, the only thing I will have after this D is Jesus Christ, God and their purpose for my life. Not my own, and not by my own will. Only he can change hearts and minds if we are willing to accept. I hope and pray someday more people realize this in the quest for their lives, and hope and pray that our spouses realize this as well, that being scared of dying, and seeking out all your pleasures and desires in this world and in this life can be fruitful, or fruitless depending on how influenced we are, and how big our ego is. I would think it eventually leaves you spiritually bankrupt in the tide and the wake of whom they and we also hurt, in the long run.
Sorry I know my thoughts are all over the place. Its difficult to summarize and write these things and give some kind of order, clairity or presentation to them for me. Sometimes I feel like im too busy writing and thinking these things that I am learning, need to learn, that I am wasting my time, when I could be enjoying it, living, acomplishing, and playing with S2. Eventually I will get to a place where there is less reflection, more action, and more upward movement. I am also relearning what reality is, who I am, and who I will be in all of this.
