From the other side (#10)

[Gerda]

It's weird getting back in to the dating arena, isn't it? I'm still trying to get over the feeling that I'm doing something wrong. I KNOW I'm not, but that many years with the same person and it not being my choice to split leaves me feeling like I'm cheating when out with another woman. Not as much now, but that feeling is still lingering in the background sometimes. Do you feel that way at all?

I had to hunt for this, I thought it was on your thread, sjohn, but found it here on SBJ's -- Hi to you both!

I had just wanted to say that I don't know why you have to choose and know whether that feeling that you are cheating is valid. I mean, it is valid. You had no interest in betraying your vows or not upholding the promise you made. She chose something else for both of you. That doesn't mean she can take away what your heart knew/knows to be true -- that you were one flesh til the ol' end. So you feel it when you open your heart to someone else. Not feeling it would be weird, considering how much you wanted to stay married to your W. You can't just shut that off just because she was able to shut it off on via the MLC shut-off valve.

I am not saying that that feeling is what you should act on -- e.g., not be with anyone else. I just think it's okay to accept that it's complex, and that any woman who dates you should accept that too -- not that you should talk about it more than once with her! And that only if she is asking what you are holding back on. Otherwise I would not talk about it with a new woman, it could be painful if she didn't go through LBS of MLC-er syndrome and understand it. But any woman who has life experience would I think understand that you carry that pain and that you can move past it but not obliterate it. Or at least any woman you date should be that wise and kind to understand!