Gerda Rises Up to Go On

[Gerda]

Sam! I loved this post, everything about it. First of all, this is the longest post you ever wrote to me, it was chock-full-o-thoughts and all were really valuable and helpful. Also I loved how you said what you said. You really know how to measure your words, and your kindness is just beaming through all your words -- I can see exactly why you felt moved to write these things, and I totally hear you on all counts. I am glad you understand the complexity of what to tell the kids. Sometimes I feel this desire to tell all, but I can tell it's not coming from a pure place so I have tried not to. I am sure I say more than I should, but I have thought a lot about something someone wrote to me here, that I did have the right and indeed the duty to share my values with my kids and to try to transmit them. With that as a goal, it seems easier to know what to say and when. But like you, I think it's probably best to wait until it's really clear that they are either asking or need to know. I did sort of lie about it when they asked in the past, and I kind of regret that now, but maybe it was the right thing at the time. I still don't want to tell them I had cancer; they are still rather attached to me as I am literally the only consistent grown-up in their lives, the only one who has loved them consistently via words and action. I feel like they have this psychologically-rooted fear of losing me, just as a sort of background noise in their lives, and I don't want to worry them further when it doesn't really help them to know it. Sometimes I want to tell them because I want something in return -- obedience, appreciation, etc -- and I know that that also is not coming from a pure place so I haven't acted on it.

About the dating -- That sounds like a hard situation to be in, I mean because you can see intellectually how much you like her for all the right reasons. As a woman, I am trying to think of what I would think if I were her. It's a tough one. I would not believe you that you hadn't healed yet. I would think it was because of me. But via my perspective as a stander and a person of faith, I think it might not be possible to heal enough to be all in. The one-flesh is always gonna be one-flesh. If you've decided you are never going to go back even if your exW wants you back, then I think it's more a matter of accepting that. I actually see it as a positive thing. I think it's good that you were that committed to your W that there is a piece of your heart that will always be off limits to anyone else. If this woman is the right woman for you, I think she would have to understand that. I meant to write about this on your thread and forgot, maybe I will go over there to say what I was going to say.

But as for me, I am not planning to date or work on a relationship, don't worry. I don't see it as waiting for healing, for myself. There is the one-marriage-til-death issue, of course. But also I don't want that life of blended family or to bring that into my kids' life. I only contemplate something a little darker, honestly -- based, as DnJ always says, on feelings and not beliefs! If I am going to do something that fits in with my beliefs, it would be to do nothing until God makes it clear that I should stay single or that I should annul my marriage. I don't see myself doing that but time -- or God! -- will tell.

Thank you so much, seriously, for taking the time to write all that. Very very helpful and just always so great to hear from you. And my invitation still stands for next time you and your kids are heading northeast!