Divorce because I betrayed her trust - THREAD 4

[DaB35]

AS, thanks - ok - guess I need to find someone to go with then! I have a few weeks to go. Might ask my sister. If my W asks I'll just be honest and say "I'm going with [person]" and not say sorry or 'didn't think you'd want to go now'. IF she doesn't mention it as she's forgotten about it, even better.


I caught the end of a programme on UK TV last night. It's about two couples who split up some time ago, and they're made to meet up again and stay in a house/flat each (with cameras etc.) and they have to talk about where their R went wrong and to see what might happen in the future. It was so interesting to watch. Nobody was married but still interesting to see.

NOBODY did any validating. None. It was just a mix of arguing, going round and round the same points, repeating sentences, a bit of shouting, one of them walking off in a huff, etc. Both couples worked things out by the end of the show, but I found myself thinking in my head what I'd say if I were in those situations, and was instinctively using validating sentences as per examples on this board, which I was pleased with - something's sunk in at least!

Instead of
Him - "You did this! How could you!"
Her - "It wasn't like that!"
Him - "I can't believe you'd do it" etc.
OR

Her - "So did you do [x] with [name of person]?"
Him - "Umm. Look what happened basically was..." (stuttering, arms flailing about)
Her - "Do I have to draw you a picture like a child? Did you do [x]?"

I was thinking stuff like:
"You're saying when I did [x] that made you feel [x]."
or
"Right, I can see how [emotion/feeling] that would be when you found out about [x]"
or
"So when I was [x] you felt [x]."

Makes me think that I could do it less nervously when I next see W. Thing is I have no idea when that will be; probably a good thing.

It's a hidden gem of a communication skill. NOBODY tells you about this. It's so odd how it's quite a crucial thing, yet I have never been given any advice on this way of talking/listening until I came across this board. I've got "I Hear You" on Audible so that's next on my list to digest.