So the update on the week is that things calmed down.we have been getting on ok talking about kids and their upcoming holiday it's also both my wife and my son's birthdays next week.
She has called me over to the house a few times.she re added me to her what's app and conversations about work and kids have been friendly.i stayed over again one night as wife and son wanted to watch a horror film and to be honest I think they both wanted me there as they both get scared.jokes have been shared via text and WhatsApp.she invited me along this Sunday to a family outing with the kids.
Then today I kinda put my foot in it.i was round the house to pick up some stuff,we were talking in general about depression and abuse then the kids.at some point I said I really liked her new t-shirt that she looked nice.she immediately said she doesn't want me saying things like that.i apologised but she brought it up again a few hours later saying it was a boundary violation.
WHAT??? How dare you say she looks nice! What is wrong with you? Seriously though, here's the dynamic that is probably at work here: you've been DB'ing and she felt the pressure lift. She started opening up and letting you back in a little, then she freaked out about it thinking she was sending the wrong signals and decided to lash out over something VERY VERY MINOR. This does happen a lot, it really has nothing to do with you or what you said, it's just her running back into the castle and pulling up the drawbridge. Do you know the castle analogy? If not let me know and I'll paste it here.
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she stated that she is no longer my wife.that it didn't matter if the changes lasted 2 years or 5 years down the track she would never get back together. I apologised but I guess I was visibly shook.
DON'T apologize. LISTEN and VALIDATE. "Yes I can tell you've been struggling, this must be very difficult for you." Why not apologize? Because you didn't do anything wrong, there is nothing to apologize for. Don't feed into her dialog that everything is your fault. The beauty of validating is you're acknowledging her feelings without AGREEING with them.
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She came back a few minutes later to say she felt bad and that she didn't want to hurt me or for me to beat myself up. I told her not to feel bad and that I regretted saying she looked nice along with a lot of other things.
Don't tell her how to feel or not feel. She feels the way she feels. VALIDATE her feelings. And seriously, you regret paying her a compliment? Now don't get me wrong, you shouldn't offer physical compliments to a WAS because it does come off as pursuit. But it is really not the big deal she's making of it. She's blowing it all out of proportion.
