Alright talk about mood swing... ( On my part and for the better.) Was having fun tonight with S2, genuinely happy, jokey even. As if I didn't have a care in the world, and caught a glimpse of my old self. Don't know why? Don't know if it's because I am securing a new apt. Don't know if it's because I faced a fear? And it's off my chest? Its weird. This roller coaster of emotions is ridiculous. Sometimes I have to remind myself to put this whole thing down, and just laugh a little. I was nice as pie tonight and genuinely smiling. We made some small chit chat about random stuff. XW was struggling to administer nebulizer to S2. So I tried to distract him during setup. We both tried to work with him on it. She asked me for a lot of help tonight, so I offered it. XW was somewhat in a good mood until that. You could tell she was a little annoyed. I came up with the laughable S2 could be Bain from Batman with the nebulizer mask. S2 was watching tv show and a child was getting a shot from a Dr.. So I said to S2 "Watch out for the pricks!" So XW replied. "There's a big one sitting right there!" Meaning me. So I faked laughed. Said "good one" Then asked XW what she was going to be for Halloween? Bride of Frankenstein. I picked up S2's playbroom and said. "Well if you take this out for a ride on Halloween, all you need to bring is yourself!" Lol.. She was like. "You were just looking around the room to a segway for that weren't you? Things almost felt normal. Almost. Then S2 went to bed, I picked up after him, cleaned up the living room, (No thank you'd not that I was expecting one.) and it was back to typical behavior after S2 goes to bed, she engages in TV escapes and laughs in it with reality shows and typically ignores my presence, but this time. I just didn't care I just smiled because I was happy. Walked right past her even if no eye contact. Which is typical for the last 12 months after S2 goes to bed. I've had these moments before over past 12 months where I don't get it? Sometimes she doesn't affect me at all or what she does.. I'm just happy for no reason. I can't make her happy, and that's perfectly ok. That's up to her, and I know I am not entirely responsible for it. (Although they think we are.) All I can do is be a little but of the old me. A little but of the new me. But more importantly. Choose not to be down. Choose to be full of joy. Choose not to be defensive. Choose not to sink into misery and fade away. Choose not to focus on all life's problems and let go. Who wants to be around someone that is complaining, critical, argumentitive, and miserable all the time? Its exhausting. (Meaning old me.) My life is going to be just fine, and I really want to smile more and laugh a little. Yeah. I need to bring that back.
