Hey guys. I was losing my F@$KIN mind last night all through this morning in terror. My reality is becoming my literal nightmares, and my nightmares my reality. I was having not a nightmare but a dream last night about being in a house with a lot of rooms that combined all the places XW and I lived including current one. I was going through a lot of her stuff and my stuff and discovering new rooms that never existed. I was getting prepared to leave. (This is a dream theme with me with my parents home as well.) I was caught in a dream loop where I thought I was awake but wasn't. So when I actually did wake up, I bolted out the bedroom door, past the XW and into the kitchen, had a few deep breaths, had a bowl of serial, and XW asked if. I was ok. I decided to tell her about the dream anyway. She just made sure I was ok, and went to bed.
I know no one here is going to be able to help me with this so I am just journaling in a sense. I don't expect answers or responses from anyone, but I just need to get this off my chest. There's been a strange number of coincidences and signs the last couple of days.
Just so everyone is updated on my situation. I was going over the numbers this last weekend to see how my income will stack up with me living out of the marital home in my own place. With current costs with S2's daycare, some remedial behavioral training costs for S2, and living expenses, if I barely eat, and never go out, and I've been crunching the numbers, I will still be $100 in the red a month. That's even before CS which we still haven't figured out yet. I've been paralyzed with fear, but slowly moving through it torwards strength with prayer. I feel like a prisoner in my own home. BIL has moved in. W ignores me for the last how many 7 months. Im off the mortgage note by her actions. But I won't sign the quit claims deed or accept the terms for a paltry $5k incentive without a L reviewing such. XW has PSA agreement drawn up to split equity when house sells next year. I cannot afford a L the moment. I'm still concerned leaving the M home, and abandonment issues legally speaking, (XW knows this, in past suggested some form of written agreements to alievate. (Don't know if she has changed her mind and is coming after me? ) I put down a down a deposit for a rental today.
So since this last Dec, a cousin of mine has been pushing me to start up a new business as a XYZ lets say, for solely my own benefit. But it would require me to be 1099 contractor with an insurance adjustment company. I would have to upfront startup costs for tools, truck, PIP, etc. I would have to tap my retirement for a 3rd time in the last 10 years, and most likely take it all out this time to startup business, survive, and pad all living and business cost. I have only about 40k. I'm concerned about tax and CS implications. Im scared because I don't know if I can handle all the responsibility. But I don't see any other choice in the matter as far as surviving. I have also expressed my concerns about 50/50 custody with XW and current work schedule, trying to find a way to make it work, she is adamant about not having it, and rejecting 50/50 custody over last week discussions.
Where things get really weird and scary is. For the last 3 days I've gotten this strange intuition to see a psychic, and pop ups from my phone browser unsolicited for all things concerning my STBXW sign Aries. (I'm a Virgo) I read one of them the other night, and it spoke of several uncanny things that perfectly describe my XW current state, emotions, intentions, etc. I was going to email it to her the other night, but held back. Also for the last 3 days I have been drawn to YouTube videos about Christianity, being saved, spiritual struggle, rejecting sin, dying to self, and not messing with the occult, etc, Being a Godly man/husband woman/wife, etc. I haven't been actively looking for these things. They just pop up in my feeds out of nowhere and I view them. It seems like every time I want to or start to get detached and focus on myself. The whole God teachings brings me back to trying to be more understanding, compassionate, patient, and hopeful from a distance, while allowing them to be them, and do them, without any interference from me. But it still gives me false hope. Not in the Lord. But the XW. Im still struggling with reforming some of my habits.
So where it gets even stranger is my S2 went into W room the other night, so I had to get him. I discovered my XW went to go see a psychic. I acquired this information from one of her notebooks that S2 grabbed.
This is where it gets scary. I really hate airing my XW "dirty laundry" in public, I just want to say that don't take any joy or pleasure in doing such, as it is not a good thing to do, don't mean to have mal-intent, but the irony and coincidences of all this is uncanny. Its really scaring me because of its accuracy, its implications, and the fact that XW is messing with it, and I don't know what do with it, and as always, it takes time for me to accept and recover every time I learn something more profound of significance. (The last 24 hrs have been subject to panic for me, but I'm good now.) I don't intend to shame her, judge her, or exploit her. I understand its invasion of privacy, even if I just come across things in passing, I know I should probably look the other way and focus on me. That I shouldn't be publishing this kind of stuff to make me feel better. But I am genuinely concerned without saying or indicating anything to her. Its hard for me to hold it in, and is upsetting. It may not mean anything.
I have been known throughout the entire relationship of 12 years to look at XW's journal from very early on from year one. I've made her aware of this from early on as well as I did it to understand her better out of concern, there are things I have learned about her in time about past BF's, and resentments and disappointment with me as well as them, patterns of behavior with her, that I would have never learned because she stuffs her true feelings down and keeps secrets. I'm really not great at keeping secrets or holding onto them, except when it comes to really really personal stuff. I am am open book that tells the truth even if it hurts me. She knows this about me, and I can understand why someone would view it as an invasion of privacy, feel controlled and untrustworthy. She stopped writing years ago because of this. I can understand why trust can be broken because of these things, and I really need to not bring this kind if insecurity into my next R. I've been cheated in a few time in the past. For the most part I always trusted W until this recent year after BD.
Her notes from Psychic:
Medium predicted her maiden name. That her paternal grandmother was spirit guide. Arms open to her. That either Grandmother or XW has a fear of dying. Difficulty walking. Constant worry. (XW complained about knees after her GAL this Sat.) Virus related.
Spirit (Paternal Grandmother whom XW never met but is very similar to came greet her. ) Advised wants to help her with family conflict. For XW to wash hands of negative person causing conflict. (Me.) That my intentions aren't good. She wrote down "You can't divorce family." (This is something my brother and family has always said to me.) She correlated that with me, and that I am up to no good. That she should be careful. That I have a strong personality. That she has to seperate herself from male figure.
This part regarding my S2 was remarkable. It goes even further to predict and elaborate on my S2's current personality, behaviot, situation and relationship with XW and MIL. MIL and XW adore S2 and he is their world. That S2 is on spectrum of developmentally challenged. That he is an explorer, he learns by doing, is sensitive and empathetic, is an old soul sent to help earth. That he needs space to explore, not to keep a tight rope on him, that he will face challenges in public school settings, too much resistance will backfire. That his Grandmother (MIL or XW deceased paternal GM.) will be his guide. Medium also goes on to advise XW that she should push for primary custody, and is adamant not to do joint custody or 50/50 custody. That more time with XW is better with her and for her. She should talk with a lawyer(s), and get an agreement that XW will not agree or pay alimony or CS. Not to let communication with me get under skin.
Heart healing: Ask for protection for XW and S2, that she has been hurt.
Medium confirmed that "I would not hurt or harm S2" (Apparantly a fear of XW with no example or merit.)
Fulfillment of wishes is money and child support. Its also forecasted I will be making good money in future. Forecasted that she will be switching jobs or asking for a raise. Increase in salary in new job position and also asking for more child support.
Marriage: Suffering in silence. (Yeah like she's the only one as a result of her actions.)
Hope: Positive outcome. To trust gut instinct.
Confidence 100% in Patience and Planning: payoff is good and academic and nature may possibly be going back to school again within the next year.
Inheritance: 3 money cards together. That things are coming to fruition. She was advised to push herself more in her career. Take more classes. (This I find kind of funny because she has done nothing but complain how much he wants to quit her job, do something purposeful with her life, and how miserable she is over the last 4 or 5 years, and that is sucking the life out of her.) She already has her Masters and her ABA and Behavioral as well as sign language courses another certifications related to the education field. She was also advised to push for more money and find a new partner that makes more money. To look for someone stable in a good job. (My work history has always been a little irregular.) Advised to focus on herself for 2 years. No new partner until Sept. 21st. (This is ironic because it is the end of the Virgo cycle. My cycle.)
I was going to list even more horoscopes of significance to sich, but don't want to overwhelm the readers. XW wanted to actually make chit chat about her day with S2, and a few other things. I listened, validated, had a few laughs over trivial things. She actually offered to make me dinner, and brought it to me. I almost died! I thanked her graciously. She went on to say she may bring S2 to go away this weekend for family gathering if he feels better. (I volunteered to watch him on my weekend off if he needed to stay back because of ear infection and cold.) She tried to temp check me again. Every time she goes away, she make playful comments about me ordering up hookers and having parties. I gave her the "The last thing I need in my life right now is ANOTHER WOMAN!" So she interprets and spins ANOTHER like? What do you mean by ANOTHER? (Multiple) and starts saying, they're my words. So Im like: Its you're perception you can interpret it any way you like. My extra ciricular activities are no longer of your concern... Lol...
I can't wait to move. I just hope im not legally screwing myself, and hope I can find a way to swing all the expenses and CS. I'm scared, and actually doing this on a wing and a prayer. I was hurting and anxious all day and couldn't breath from those notes that I read. All day long I felt like evil was around me. Then it lifted after I got home. I'm ok emotionally with parting ways from XW and having seperate spaces, detaching and moving on.. But its still hard to accept and it hurts there may be someone else in her and S2's life in the future, and the possibility that XW may fight me on 50/50 I don't want to be the bad guy, but I'm not going to let her control the lead on this one. I don't want to be the bad guy. But I will if path comes to shove. I still think what she is doing, and consulting mediums is not socially wrong but spiritually wrong. I just don't want to see her go down the wrong path with God and spurts and demons and stuff. She is a Christian. If the medium is right. (Boy was that accurate.) Then Im in for a whirlwind ride. I hope she finds herself, finds her happiness, her self esteem, her self worth, etc, and her purpose, but through God's purpose, will, and prayer... (I've looked into all these things before in the past. The Secret. Eckhart Tolle, Yoga, Reiki, Chakras, Acupuncture, Chinese Medicine, The Law of Attraction, etc, all for anxiety, wellness and health. Had one strage experience and stopped.) Its a road I can no longer follow. I just need to pull myself out of some bad sins and habits. But I want Jesus, I want God, and no other substitute. I hope he can help us. Regardless of which way we go.
