Okay, this PM book is fascinating. I'm not even married anymore, not in a relationship (I don't think we can call it that.) But reading in the book, and here, about all the differentiating just knocked me on my a$$, since I realize that I DID do it. I did it sporadically, but with sincerity. For many years, it resulted in my wasband trying to improve our relationship. Ultimately, when things didn't work, I did not leave, I just resigned myself and got resentful. And ulitmately he left.
Where in the book does it explain how long you differentiate before you go? And, is this why I was more insulted than anything else when he finally left? And why I'm the poster child for divorce recovery? (well, except for the anger. I'm really mad at HOW he did it, and even more mad at myself for staying so long.)
Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time, and annoys the pig.
Quote: Where in the book does it explain how long you differentiate before you go?
What it DOES say is that this cannot be predicted. Chapter 13 or 14 deals with hitting Critical Mass, and what things are like at that stage. It can be a VERY scary time, because both partners realize at that point just what the stakes are. Another thing he says is that if you want to evaluate a counsellor, ask him or her what they do when they are SURE a couple should divorce. If they come up with ANY scenario, find another C, because no proper C would be able to evaluate something like that - it's up to the couple (or one of the partners). It takes two to make a marriage, but only one to end it...
