Gerda Rises Up to Go On

[Gerda]

You used the words “I think” when describing a few idea, and others you just plainly stated the facts with sans emotion.

That is mental assertiveness - the sword. From my side of the screen - you detached, uncoupled from the irrational pull of your situation. For a little bit. Please see that.

That is exactly the start of it. Seeing and believing it is possible. It’s not about seeing it in me or others; it is about seeing it in you.

Thank you as usual for writing such thoughtful replies to me and giving me so much of your time and care.

I was thinking about this part of the thread the last few days. It may have to do with the state of mind we are in when we come to this board. I was thinking about how I am known for being a very shrewd and daring woman in my business life and how H used to say of me, "She laughs at work." H's MLC hatred of me is largely based on his feeling that I am so pragmatic in business, taking risks but always aware of the worst-case scenario to be prepared for, putting emotion aside to get a deal done. My artistic life requires a constant ability to put myself out there and get rejected many times before getting work/acceptance.

What you said here is what I do most of the time but I never think of myself as wielding the DnJ sword or being clear and accurate, etc., because my heart hurts so much.

But maybe I really am like that almost all the time except when I collapse in the arms of God or in the virtual arms here. All I did in the last five years and what I am doing now to keep our physical ship (house, biz, tax issues, food/clothes for kids, etc) from sinking was nothing anyone I know could have done. Or to use your car metaphor, I have gone thousands of miles on fumes.

The cross maybe is more the heart burden than the rest. I am walking and living and dealing but my heart hurts so much through it that I am squirming inside all the time from the pain.

And there is another thing that I will save for your thread because it addresses something you said there.

I do believe in telling the kids, age appropriately of course, about the situation. Shielding them from certain information will backfire eventually. Adultery is a good example. I don’t think that because Dad cheated his son will cheat. I believe children’s behaviour comes from how the parents deal with the different stimulus. Not talking about something, burying it, and it will come back later.

How we talk about things, like adultery, is just as important. We need to keep our prejudices and feelings out of things. Value and beliefs should be discussed along with the facts of what is happening. And no bashing the other parent. They are a hurt, torrented, and desperate people doing desperate deeds. Kids can understand that. Kids can accept that. Kids can most definitely choose better and not bitter.

OK, so what do you think is an age appropriate way to tell a 10-year old? I have no idea. I have an idea with other peoples' kids, I work with kids for much of my work and consider myself a teen whisperer. But my own kid, and all the baggage I am no doubt lugging in my heart/head? I don't know which things are right and which are a secret desire for her to hate H. I am not fully aware of that desire but I imagine it is lurking under there somewhere. Some need for revenge that still persists underneath my desire to let God be the only judge here, and to forgive everything and to stand. Certainly I can admit I would want her to never encounter OW and if she does, to hate her. I know intellectually why that won't work but I am just being open about what is in my heart.

My beliefs, and demonstrations. I love my kids’ Mom, my wife. I did not date, or stray while married/separated - or even after, apparently. I was kind in my limited interactions with her, even though inside I was destroyed. I continue to be kind and value the many great years of marriage. I did not rewrite my history. Instead, I write my future.

Do you still love her?

For my part, I think I still love the Artist Formerly Known as H even if his body has been overtaken by the MLC alien. But I can't remember him that well. Some of it might just be obedience to my vows. Some of it is genuine compassion for him, locked somewhere inside that monster, and of course the whole point of my screenname, Gerda, who walks miles barefoot in the snow because the ice queen has frozen Kay's heart, and she can melt Kay's frozen heart with her love. Not that I think I can do that by walking anywhere. But just by standing, to be open to the possibility.

There is some part of me that feels very strongly that once I let my kids see me love someone else, the game is up. I don't ever want to do that. I hated seeing that as a child. It is part of what led me to Christ, understanding that my feelings about remarriage as adultery that were just instinctive as a child were actually part of the Christian faith. I am not saying I wouldn't love another man besides H. I haven't acted on it but certainly I have felt it. I am only talking about legitimizing it with an actual relationship that my kids see.

And that is why I get confused about standing. I know I can have a great life without H. It's the limitation I have placed on that life that gives me pause.

All that said, I did realize after a dark talk with S14 the other night (he said he didn't want to live, etc), that they need to see me really love my life. So I am going to try to fake it til I make it on that front. No one needs to know that the one thing plaguing me (I mean besides the daily horrors H sends my way) is the thought of being alone til the end. More on that on your thread. The rest of my life can be great either way.