W came over yesterday to feed the horses and pick up the kids. She stayed for a few hours.
Curtis, it sure seems like I'm repeating myself a lot here but she is never, ever going to learn to miss you as long as you let her swing by and hang out for hours and do whatever she wants. Until you remove yourself from the equation you will forever be Plan B. She's never going to miss you, she's never going to be attracted to you.
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It doesn’t appear to me that she is making this a priority, her heart just isn’t in it and I’m not going to force her to do the work.
But you are forcing her and applying a TON of pressure to her. It's got to stop.
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W: “What, I see that look on your face?” H: “It seems like you plan on being there a while.”
I don't mean to offend, but as a person outside your situation I read things like this and it just sounds very desperate and pathetic. You need to be projecting an air of masculinity and strength and right now you are not. If you want her back you've got to remake yourself into a strong, attractive, confident individual.
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W: “I feel pressure and that you have expectations of me. I want zero expectations.” H: “I don’t know what we’re doing with the Retrouvaille then. Im not expecting anything from you. I’ve been waiting for you to tell me that you’ve ended it with the OM.”
She's right, everything you say and do is full of expectations. You're practically begging.
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W: “I did end it. I haven’t seen him in over a month and I’ve been NC for a week and a half.” H: “So, a couple days before we attended Retrouvaille?” W: “Yes” H: “Why did you tell me at the weekend that there was still contact.”
Why are you cross-examining her. To be honest it's all none of your business. The two of you are separated, I'm surprised she's offering up as much info as she does. You're acting like the two of you are in a relationship but you are not.
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W still doesn’t understand that love is a choice and once you fully commit, the feelings can follow.
And you don't understand that in order for her to love you again, she first has to be ATTRACTED to you again. She is not just going to choose you and say "well let's see what happens". WAS's are working off of emotions and feelings, not logic. She MUST have FEELINGS for you again before she will want you back. So ask yourself what do you think sounds more attractive to her:
A) Sad, desperate, clingy shell of a man applying constant pressure with relationship talks, letting her come by whenever she wants and spend hours, practically begging her to see the error of her ways, watching as she engages in affairs and pretends it's not happening.
-or-
B) Confident, attractive, independent man who doesn't put up with her crap, who tells her if she chooses not to be with him then he chooses to move on to better things. She wants to come by and hang out and he tells her no, that's not going to happen because we are no longer in a relationship and you can't have it both ways. She sees him dressing better, getting fit, engaging in fun activities without her. He never asks her about ANYTHING in her life because that's her mess and he's leaving her to it. He ignores all chit chat messages and tells her to limit contact to bills or the kids, period.
Right now you are A all day long. And she knows it. She's walking all over you. The good news is you can start being B right now, right this second. But you have to choose it and commit to it.
And Curtis, stop saying you are B when you are really A. That's not what I mean. You have to REALLY become B.
