Persistent Endurance (Part 6)

[curtis7]

W and I did complete most of the Retrouvaille dialogue questions this past week. We met on Tuesday and Friday to go over our responses with each other. On Tuesday, we covered the first 2 questions and she was still writing out her answers as I arrived. In her defense she had a tough week at work and was trying to solve a major problem on her own. So, I understood why she didn’t have time to be prepared in advance. On Friday, she had 1 of the 2 questions complete when she came over. One of the questions she answered was what good quality did you discover about your spouse during the Retrouvaille weekend? She answered that she felt inspired by my amazing capacity to forgive. She hopes that she will be able to forgive similarly. It seems to me that she has either felt my forgiveness for the lies and cheating or is trying to soften me up for forgiveness for these actions in the future. I have not forgiven for everything yet.

W came over yesterday to feed the horses and pick up the kids. She stayed for a few hours. I noticed she’s leaving her phone sit around more and is checking it less often lately. We started talking about Retrouvaille and she still doesn’t want to attend the post sessions, yesterday would have been the first post. I asked if we were still going to try to do the course work on our own as she suggested last weekend and she said maybe. She doesn’t seem to have a strong desire to do the work. She said the writing takes time and maybe it would be easier to talk about some questions. It doesn’t appear to me that she is making this a priority, her heart just isn’t in it and I’m not going to force her to do the work.

W told me she bought a desk at a garage sale for the other house. I must of had a look on my face of displeasure and W noticed.
W: “What, I see that look on your face?”
H: “It seems like you plan on being there a while.”
W: “I feel pressure and that you have expectations of me. I want zero expectations.”
H: “I don’t know what we’re doing with the Retrouvaille then. Im not expecting anything from you. I’ve been waiting for you to tell me that you’ve ended it with the OM.”
W: “I did end it. I haven’t seen him in over a month and I’ve been NC for a week and a half.”
H: “So, a couple days before we attended Retrouvaille?”
W: “Yes”
H: “Why did you tell me at the weekend that there was still contact.”
W: “I didn’t know if it was over at that time and if he would try to contact me again.”
H: “Would you share how you went NC?”
W: “No, it was messy and he was angry. I feel bad for hurting him.” —> (Thinking to myself: Really, hurting him, WTF?! What about the hurt inflicted on your H and family?)
W: “That doesn’t mean I want to come back and work on us. I’m still on the fence deciding which side to come down on.”
H: “Are you waiting for your feelings to come back?”
W: “Yes”
H: “That could take a very long time like many months.” —> (this reminded me of one of Starsky’s posts, see below)
W: “Am I just supposed to come back and hope my feelings return? I completely checked out last October. If I felt like I did a year and a half ago even, then it would be so much easier to come back.”
H: “I don’t want to go back to a year and a half a ago. We can build something so much better now.”
W: “I agree, but you know what I mean. I realize that a decision needs to be made at some point one way or the other. I can’t come back and decide a year from now it’s not what I wanted. I can’t do that to the kids, you, or myself.”
H: “I know, it’s a lot to think about and you want to be sure you are making the best decision for everyone.”

“Love is a Decision” vs. “Feelings”
In my situation (and in advising others who are at the stage you are at), I try to understand an important distinction:
FEELINGS -- romantic, "IN-love-with-you" feelings -- will take several months and even a couple of years to return following an affair. That was depressing for me to hear that when I was just starting to attempt reconciliation with my wife, and I in fact denied it was true, but it took a good 2-3 years for my wife's feelings of love and respect for me to return, and vice-versa.
The DECISION however to do what is necessary to repair the marriage following an affair is just that -- a DECISION. It should take no more than 5 minutes to decide -- certainly not more than 24 hours. Whenever my wife would say "I don't know if my feelings for you will ever return," I would say "I understand that and I'm willing to be very patient in that regard -- it could take many, many months. But whether or not you're willing to do this short list of things that I say I need at this point, to me, isn't about feelings. It's a DECISION that you need to make, if you want to remain married to me."
Maybe that's just me, but the "fog" doesn't need to be fully lifted in order for a formerly wayward spouse to decide on full no-contact and transparency and working on their marriage with their betrayed spouse.

W still doesn’t understand that love is a choice and once you fully commit, the feelings can follow. This was one of the reasons I was hoping she would stick with the Retrouvaille program as that concept is a primary point that is emphasized.

W rounded up the kids and she initiated another short exchange as she left.
W: “When I come back you’re going to be checking my phone all the time because of the cheating and it will be a different kind of pressure.” —> (first time I recall her using the word cheating, of course, she doesn’t feel it was cheating because she was done with the MR a year ago.)
H: “I never checked your phone or texts prior to BD.”
W: “You never had a need to, there was nothing to worry about.”
H: “You’re right, I had complete trust in you. It’s unhealthy for me and you if I have to check on your whereabouts or constantly be looking at your phone. Frankly, I won’t want to once I feel like I can trust you again.”

Between this last exchange about transparency and her earlier comments about being able to forgive, it seems she’s trying to set me up for massive rug sweeping. She doesn’t want to share all of the truths about what has happened. I feel she is assessing how painful it would be to come back and how difficult I will make it for her to just slide back into the MR. I’m sure this wouldn’t fly with many on the board.

I do believe she is currently NC with the OM. Will it last? Who knows, relapses seem common around here. W’s behavior has changed, less importance on the phone, more focus on the kids, and more gratitude towards me. However, she has also crawled into a shell and wants to be alone often. She has spent more time over the past month riding her horse, watching a lot of Netflix, and working on projects at her separation house. She seems to be going through OM withdrawal, grieving the end of the A, and feeling guilty for hurting him.

She asked for zero expectations and the feelings aren’t there for me right now. I will wait for her to initiate contact. When she reaches out I need to take it easy and not get my hopes up. I’ve had a problem with expecting too much too soon on up cycles. I’ve read it here many times, I press for more and it pushes her away rather than remaining patient and allowing her to come to me, i.e. wait for the cat to jump onto my lap.

This is the mantra I need to follow:
NO PRESSURE, NO PURSUIT, RESPECT, ATTRACTION!!!