Good post Adam04. I feel the same way Turbine. Ive been paying attention to my rollercoaster of emotions through all of this, although I don't have "the solution" to "get things right". But it is better to be self aware of it. I will say this. There are layers to it all for me anyway. When I focus on myself, it is minimal, out of necessity and survival, mixed partly in with subborness, denial, and resentment to force me through it and get the job done. Its like being paralyzed and fighting whay we really don't want but know we have to do. Beneath that layer is a desire to change, to live for ourselves, to find happiness and purpose, and although we can't help it. We think of the past, all the good times, the intimate moments, the successes and failures, the hurts, the guilt, etc, which keeps us stuck, but still reflecting and learning. We watch videisn we take advise, we go to therapy to learn how to deal with all this, we turn on our emotions, we shut them down, we find new ways to deal with them, we go crazy trying to find an outlet and support. Then beneath all that. We want connection we can't have, we want nothing more tgan to reconcile, we turn to God and scripture, and want nothing more than to forgive, not be cold torwards ourselves and our ex's. We wish they could see it from our side, and discuss it. And vice versa. Its a lot of trauma for them and for us to process. We can't control any of it. Its their choice. Its their choice to stop loving us. Its their choice to lead their lives the way they want to lead it. Just like it was ours to what got us here in the first place. Like I said its partly a reflection of some of our actions of the past, and partly a reflection of them making the choice to move away from us. Whether they get better, get happy, get purposeful without us, or whether they self destruct, or both. We can no longer keep score what they are doing, who they are dating, where they ate going, etc. It just keeps us more stuck on them, and less focused on ourselves and getting better. They are essentially renting the space in our minds and our hearts for free, when we are no longer a priority to them, and we are allowing it. The right thing to do,,but the hardest thing to do is let them go, set them free, let them live, and let them choose. Right wrong or indifferent. I still think that they think love is a feeling. That it is attraction, that it is supposed to be effortless, butterflies, It is a choice. It is a choice to forgive, overlook someone's flaws, let go of resentment, forgive, etc. Make the choice to forgive them, but yourself first. Make the choice to love your self first. Make the choice to realize it is not entirely a reflection of yourself of why we are here.
