Gerda Rises Up to Go On

[DnJ]

Hello Gerda

DnJ, I am wondering if you are intentionally ignoring the opening where I admit to being in a constant state of anxiety and terror.

No, I’m not ignoring it.

Your last post had this:

I've been trying to figure out why I feel so terrified all the time, unfocused, etc. The peace that came with his moving out was intense, but it is being eroded by dealing constantly with the divorce horrors.

Then went on with 6 paragraphs, a few of them quite large, rationally explaining what is going.

You used the words “I think” when describing a few idea, and others you just plainly stated the facts with sans emotion.

That is mental assertiveness - the sword. From my side of the screen - you detached, uncoupled from the irrational pull of your situation. For a little bit. Please see that.

That is exactly the start of it. Seeing and believing it is possible. It’s not about seeing it in me or others; it is about seeing it in you.

I think I didn’t ignore anything, I think I saw pretty clearly. It does help having walked through that maze before.

I am sick and tired of your positivity and inspiration and hope! Just kidding, I love it.

Gasp! Wow! That was a bit a scare until I continued reading.

Positivity, inspiration, and hope. And I have actually dialled myself back, online.

You are right in that I am open to (and want) my life and future life, even that blended family part - although that is my least favourite bit.

At first I had to just accept what is and what is not. I didn’t want it. I just had to accept it. To open up to it. Hey, it ain’t going no where, so what choice do I have. Then after I got open to the idea, it wasn’t so bad. It wasn’t so good either. However there is good in all things, even though it might take some significant digging to find it. The good does outweigh the bad, by a significant margin.

I do believe in telling the kids, age appropriately of course, about the situation. Shielding them from certain information will backfire eventually. Adultery is a good example. I don’t think that because Dad cheated his son will cheat. I believe children’s behaviour comes from how the parents deal with the different stimulus. Not talking about something, burying it, and it will come back later.

How we talk about things, like adultery, is just as important. We need to keep our prejudices and feelings out of things. Value and beliefs should be discussed along with the facts of what is happening. And no bashing the other parent. They are a hurt, torrented, and desperate people doing desperate deeds. Kids can understand that. Kids can accept that. Kids can most definitely choose better and not bitter.

As for instilling a belief in marriage to children. Nothing is more powerful than demonstrable role model. How you, the sane stable parent lives her life will convey much more than words ever will. They have two role model already, and will have for some time.

My beliefs, and demonstrations. I love my kids’ Mom, my wife. I did not date, or stray while married/separated - or even after, apparently. I was kind in my limited interactions with her, even though inside I was destroyed. I continue to be kind and value the many great years of marriage. I did not rewrite my history. Instead, I write my future.

I do apologize for my sometimes lack of specificity; it is done with intent. (((Gerda))) I really want to hear what you think and believe.

I will answer, specifically as I can, the questions you posed on my thread.

DnJ