Gerda Rises Up to Go On

[Gerda]

DnJ, I am wondering if you are intentionally ignoring the opening where I admit to being in a constant state of anxiety and terror. I am sick and tired of your positivity and inspiration and hope! Just kidding, I love it. But I am not very good at it (yeah, i know you are going to quote that and cross out the "not very"), probably because I don't want to be good at it because on some level I like to be trapped in my thought trap. I know I am nowhere near where you are in terms of acceptance of my new life and my future life. And I don't know if it's because I don't want a new family or to live that blended family life and you are open to it. And yes, I know that is part of the jumping ahead thing we are supposed to avoid, but right now it is defining my stand and making it feel very negative and yet I can't see it any other way even though I try most of the time to not even think about it!

D10 kept mentioning the OW today. I did tell her last time that that woman is very lost and should be spending her time with her family and her own H, but today when D came back from a night with H and told me that Papa is painting and doing handyman work for OW, I almost threw up. My best friend is in education like me, and likes to give kids all the tools of life from the get go, to be leaders and participants in everything; she thinks that I should tell my kids everything, including that I had cancer and that H had this other woman all this time, etc., so that they can be informed and make their own choices. But I don't know. All this time I didn't tell them about the adultery because I wanted them to believe in marriage and not to fall into repeating the choices of their father, since that always seems to happen with kids who had a cheating parent. So I am not sure what is best there (and in fact I would love to hear a whole bunch of opinions on that from all the wide variety of outlooks here), but I sure wish I never had to hear about that woman!

But if you read what I just wrote on BPD's thread, you can see a little of your influence does occasionally sink in. Today in fact I was trying to force a DnJ discipline on myself, but I couldn't remember what was accurate, what was the sword, how to shine it, etc. As a way of climbing out of my almost unbearable loneliness tonight (D on a sleepover, S somewhere out there with his skateboard), I wrote on that thread something really really specific, hoping it would sink into me too.