Not willing to quit

[Turbine]

I feel so horrible today. Driving to my house I was overcome with tears, rage, anger and it ended when the tears stopped. My son and I installed a home made flag pole from 1 inch steel pipe. I wanted to break it off. I want to disable the lock to the house. Stupid and petty revenge garbage and I won't because I KNOW I will get screwed for it. She can do stuff like change the locks and nothing.

If there is a boyfriend... I don't know what I will do. We are still married.
This hurts so much. I live in the Chicago suburbs. Wrong neighborhood, mouth off, flash the wrong hand sign or too much cash and voila... taken out by a gang banger.

I want my wife... and many of her actions are blocking or indicate never.

Early morning sprawled across the hood of her fancy car, a knife on the ground where it fell from my hand and blood everywhere. She wouldn't care. I would have shared the pain and gained what? Eternal damnation?

What do I do about these thoughts? Keep them hidden, unvoiced or expressed to fester and grow, slowly poisoning my spirit? I want to be home, sleep in my bed, cook and eat in our kitchen. Except she is adamant about that. Wants me to sign the divorce papers before I can come back. Looks like I will be out until the court date. Maybe she will be held in contempt. Jail time? I don't want that for her, or for me. I feel so boxed in by all this.

Yeah, I messed up. I don't want to be that man. I want a fair chance. I want to love her and not smother her.
No texts since I left last night. I want to though. I want my pain to be gone. I am in a hole and not only am I still digging the dirt is being shoveled back in on top of me. It feel like the court system is doing it. My friends say let her go. My family does too. My minister says stay strong. I'm not sure that sitting with Midnight (daughter's cat) Susan (daughter's dog) Bailey (used to be our dog) would help.

I want her and she says " I don't love you. I have no feelings for you. I have a boyfriend."

I'm so emotionally a wreck. I don't feel like there are any wins here. Just a continuous chain of losses.
Does writing this help? IDK... Mahal... lets try please.

I can't ask her... she throws it back in my face. Pain for pain?