Not willing to quit

[Turbine]

Well I feel less than stellar. Oh, this will be very disjointed stream of conscious type post.

Finished my time at Fermi. I will be starting a new job Monday as a manual machinist. Been a long time since I did that but the skills are there. Rusty but there. Got to get my tools from the garage. Fortunately that isn't attached to the house not is it locked.

W texted me about dinner. To talk. I suggested her favorite Chinese restaurant and the day she texted. She couldn't and suggested Friday. So we did. Just the two of us.

I ate a bowl of won ton soup and drank a cup of tea. She had her clam soup, Beef with mushrooms and shrimp toast. Initially splitting the check. I ordered a trio plate but didn't eat it. I sent all the leftovers with her at the end of the meal.

I listened but not enough I suppose. She said she has a boyfriend. We are still married... Does she really? or just saying that to hurt me? Does it matter? No it hurts true or not.

She isn't relenting about my going home. Nor getting back together. I'm not willing to stop yet. I don't feel it is over. I love her and yes it was a mess.

She thought after my parents were gone I would go back to church. When she asked I said no. Now.... too late apparently. BTW church hymns have been running through my head.

Dealing with the estate, the trust, my sister... in over my head. W didn't understand the trust stuff either.

So over the dinner (ha) she mentioned buying her out for $40K. So half my inheritance. She didn't say it that way, she did mention the dollar amount only. To which I replied the inheritance... which was supposed to be for us to retire with. Got defensive about that. Said do that and I can go home. She won't be there though. I don't want the house. i want her.

I still don't know how to let go of her. Yes she is hurting me. Because I am letting her.

I paid the dinner. Tied the leftover bags together. Thanked her and said we haven't agreed on anything. I got up and took my jacket and walked out without looking back. No tears, no raving, no scene.

I stopped and had a scoop of the flavor of the day at my favorite frozen custard shop. Pumpkin cheesecake.

Lots of pain from her in her comments. One known mistake was commenting negatively on the "boyfriend". I forgive her. I love her still after all this. So why can't I let go? I messed up and never seemed to measure up to what her ideal was.

I've said before that I thought she was perfect for me, flaws and all. Never thought divorce was an option. Worst thing I ever said was about her doing that. I told her that tonight. Probably a mistake since she knows she has a rope there. Well past string.

So tomorrow morning I will be going to see a previous boss. Asked me to stop by for coffee, a talk and some ideas he has. Sure. Church tomorrow night. Which makes me have to think about am I really going for me or for her. I have to say the last time I went to Catholic mass it felt wrong. I tried one of these new evangelical churches and that place was a little to lax during their service. So... yeah... I'm there. which doesn't sound very convincing though.

Did the terminally stupid monster show up. Yeah... I need to kick that to the curb so hard that it will never come back. Because I thought about stuff again. Sprawled across the hood of her car, knife on the ground and blood everywhere. That eliminates any chance of R. Shows a serious lack of trust in God too. But I did think it. I also tossed it out.

Our S got married yesterday. W wasn't there. Not sure she knows or was given the chance to attend. Not mine to share. Likely I will be blamed though.

Definitely feeling a major fight with depression right now. I can't make her happy not expect her to be my source of being happy. I want to share the future with her though. To make the memories that I expected us to make.

It seems that I am still very much broken. I am trying to grow and be improved. For me for us for her. There is the problem right. For her and it is obvious. Needy and unattractive. Not exactly feeling the love fro myself right now. I don't want to be a "nice" guy. I want to be a good man.