[/quote] Thanks IW - I know that I *can* find center, but that it will take me some time.
Back in April, before I found DB, I was home alone for about a week and suffered several (I think) mild panic attacks. 30-40 minutes of feeling like I couldn't breathe, lots of crying. I spent hours typing out my thoughts. I typed out several apology letters (in addition to the ones I had already given my W) and chose to delete them (thankfully). I called my IC 3 times that week.
I survived.
I recognize the symptoms now. Waves throughout the day, lasting about an hour, where I just want to release the tension. Then sometimes a calm feeling. Meditation helps me only when I'm in a calmer state but I'd like to get back to that.
It's a scary lonely feeling. Before this week, I can't say I was hoping to reconcile, but I at least felt somewhat stable in our situation (even though financially it was not sustainable in any way). My W was my rock for so many years. I let friendships tail off, I disconnected from my own family. I don't have that rock anymore. I have to fend for myself. It is scary, even though I know people do it all the time. I'm going to get through this, but it's going to take time.
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Reconnect with your family and friends, make new friends, and never let those relationships fall by the wayside again. Make it a point to stay connected. It's too important.
You should be the rock - for yourself, your woman, your family and friends. Everyone has weak moments and for that you have one or two friends or family members to confide in or lean on, but otherwise just be the rock. It's not hard to accomplish once you establish the mindset.
You know what you have to do. You can do it. You have a fantastic life ahead that is waiting for you, you just have to reach out and take it.
