I feel like journaling a bit quickly, so won't have time to respond fully to everyone. I recognize what I am about to write is a lot of self-pitying drivel, but it is how I feel at the moment.
I am feeling this overwhelming fear and anxiety taking hold, it seems to be increasing by the day this week. I feel a tightness in my chest, shallow breathing, low appetite. I decided to take a week off from going to the gym. It feels exactly like back in April when I realized my W was thinking about D.
Someone close to me yesterday gave me the advice to first just think about what I want. Ignore my W, ignore what people say I should ask for, ignore what might happen. Just first... think about what I want. That's all. This seems to be helping a little little bit.
But predominantly I am spinning. I don't know how I'm going to do this. I am afraid of my W, of the courts, of losing touch with my kids. I am full of self-doubt about my ability to stay whole and healthy, to be a great father to my kids, to pull my life together. Even though I made progress the last few months, facing down the next year looks absolutely terrifying to me.
I don't know how I'm going to do this on my own. I am so accustomed to my W's support with the kids. I don't feel fit as a father to do this. I'm not used to doctor appointments and school volunteering and after-school activities.
I foresee things getting really awful between my W and I. A nasty court battle. Communication breakdown. The kids suffering in the middle. Abuse allegations. Slander. Living in fear that I am being documented and watched.
