Yeah I've realised I need to detach somehow.had to go watch the kids last minute tonight as she had forgotten about a parents meeting at the school.
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Now this evening I've received 6 messages in a row from her trying to arrange how I will help out with the kids over the weekend.
I think you said you left the house? And you are still staying away? Are you still staying with friends or have you found a place? You're stuck in the worst kind of limbo right now and you need to do something. You either need to move back home or find a place. Then you need to get a custody agreement/ parenting plan in place. When you do that then you also should establish some boundaries, such as her giving you X days notice if she needs you to watch the kids on one of her days. This will bring an end to a lot of this nonsense where she is yanking you around and will also help you with detachment and GAL.
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It's a design business and one work at home and one at studio.
Based on your description it doesn't sound like she has any right to kick you out on her whim. Obviously something will have to be worked out if you end up divorcing, but that could be way down the road.
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but last night I started remembering the multiple times she had openly compared me in bed to past lovers as part of "honest chats"
Wow this is pretty messed up. Just in general your descriptions of her strike me as her being very controlling and manipulative.
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I feel the need to talk to her about boundaries both past and future so that we can be mire honest and put an end to the resentment and damage probably via email.
Before you send her anything post what you intend to send her here so we can comment on it. Boundaries trip a lot of newer people up. You can't have boundaries without repercussions. Whatever boundaries you place WILL get challenged, and if there's no repercussion then it just ends up making you look weak and powerless. Here are two examples:
1. You tell her your boundary is that you will no longer tolerate her seeing OM. She continues to see OM, laughing at you while doing it.
You didn't set a repercussion for her breaching the boundary and so had no response when she did breach it. Don't set a boundary you can't enforce.
2. You tell her your boundary is you need 24 hours notice before watching the kids for her, or you will not help her out. She calls you desperately asking you to watch them in an hour because she forgot about some random meeting. You tell her "I can't, I have plans. Remember we agreed that you would give me at least 24 hours notice, please respect that."
You set a repercussion and you followed through on it. She might rant and rave and pitch a fit that you didn't drop everything for her, but inside her a bloom of respect has started and she's starting to realize she can't control you anymore.
Boundaries are about protecting yourself, not about making her do something you want her to.
