Uni. I wrote my furious response to the last few posts 5:30 am. This morning but ran out of time. Much calmer now over your sich and your W's response about "winning her back"
I am amazed at how much support you have garnered here in the last 14hrs, emotionally, legally, etc. You guys are awesome for getting behind Uni so quickly and with such sound advise and compassion. I'm on the same issue with my sich Uni about 50/50 custody and "scary perceived notions that I might hurt myself, or S2" and 50/50 custody discussions. Anything to be used as leverage. I hear you about the depression with the weather change. I had a small panic today, but not an attack and yesterday about the same thing too, before you and IW even mentioned it. Kind of ironic about the thoughts of fall, winter, long long winter until April, moving and being alone with my thoughts during Christmas, New Years, and having even more heightened seasonal blues between Jan- April. 6 months of hell. Pretty scary to imaging what the next 6 months will be alone, but I'm sure that's where we will grow ourselves.
My response from this morning:
Uni. I read this post and I wanted to F@$kin scream after I got to the part about "Winning her back!" Like she is some sort of prize or something? OMG!THE ARROGANCE!!! Granted I know a lot of these WAS'S are hurting, trying to find themselves, are depressed, going through MLC, have childhood traumas and self worth issues, etc. But man. When they gain confidence as they are starting to heal, if they even are as a result of going to therapy.
These WAS's ARE ARROGANT! They drive me crazy with their uncertainties, their indecision, manipulations, their double standards, arrogance, their fickleness, their actions, etc.. How they run hot and cold, how they have the power to stop all this, how when committed to working on the M (real change can develop, if you can even get them to recommit.) I see it in your sich, Wolf's sich, and a lot of others. ITS ABSOLUTE INSANITY! They play these games, but they don't really think they are playing games. They are playing for real. They acuse us of being emotionally unstable, abusive, and reactive with their "$hit tests" they pull in testing someone's limits, gaslight, project, re-write history, etc and wonder why we grow indifferent because of their actions against us, the family, and the M, That our behaviors, and us are at fault, that they claim they are just emotionally reacting to us, when it is us reacting to them with the grief, the marital issues, financial, and emotional sabotage that they cause us. Its like they almost provoke us, then cry victim when we go there. They LOOOVVEE playing that roll. No accountability for anything on their side. If that isn't emotional abuse on their part, I don't know what is?
This is what I hear from them when I read these kind of posts:
"I want space from you, but please try harder to win me back because I am the prize that doesn't have to change, and I want you to do all of the hard work and the changing." "Your emotionally abusive and reactive, but let me make you're life a living hell with the kids, the finances, the marital home, the courts, and the M just to see if that will wake you up enough to change for me, so I get what I want either way, and im padded on the resources as I will use the kids as a bargaining chip in the courts."
She "Grabbed tour arm and held on tight and started crying." You almost want to ask them. WTF are you crying for? You wanted this, you initiated it, you planned it, and you took multiple actions on it, never thinking of the consequence, or the follow through with my end of it? Should have filed an assault charge against her for grabbing your arm. That you feared for your life. You found her scary and emotionally unstable. You know why they are crying? Because they are morning the death of you and the M, but they don't want to fully see you go. They just want to keep you at an arms length, and they will use you, the kids, your current location, and limbo to string you along. They want to move somewhere familiar, or somewhere new, away from you for a fresh start and eventually find themselves, see other people romantically, but they want you to follow them too. It just perplexes me? Kind of like "I want to keep you around just in case." "And if I don't really need to. I could sure use your money for me and the kids." "You can watch them every other weekend while I have my girls night out, and pursue other men."
Mine recently shared with me her little fantasy, that she wanted to move to Iowa in a year, become a college professor, that I could follow her and S2, and open up my own Pizza business. (One of my dreams.) She even found the perfect store front and building real cheap for me too. It would logically be a hit, a financial success, and a good move, and growing experience for me. But why the hell would I want to stay emotionally attached to someone that wants nothing to do with me, than more than a friend? And we wonder why people ghost one another and go NC to protect ourselves? She'll share all this with me one day, than ignore me like I didn't exist "to protect herself" another day. But they can't understand why our moods fluctuate from day to day, moment to moment, from the harm to us they commit, to our family, and all the grief that they are causing us.
This is all about power, and control, who had it during the M, and who is taking it back. They don't want to submit, and they want it both ways, all day, every day, all the time. During the marriage if you took the power and control, made some of the decisions, and took the lead, they wanted egalitarianism and equalism.
If you procrastinated, or fell behind in a chore because you were dog tired, injured, or keeping up with her social schedule, you weren't being responsible, but if they didn't even clean up after themselves after a meal, the kids, or their side of the bedroom, you are the critical nitpicking bad guy for saying something or holding them to the same standard they hold you to, but want you to overlook their errors, but not yours. If you went to discipline the kids, you are overbearing, but then when the kids act up and you have to command it when she can't handle it, its ok.
They wanted to do half the work or none of the work but yet still get all the results and benefits from you and the marriage. They wanted attention, romantic feelings, a spark of interest, a beautiful social life of fresh and new experiences, all the time where you attend all functions, every weekend, but never understand that you need to take the time to maintain your home, keep up with your job, and have hobbies and a life outside of that. "You work too hard and too much and never find any time for me." "But I need money from you so I can pay the bills, maintain my lifestyle, and social life more" "I will analyze all of your behavior, but you can never analyze, or criticize mine or have standards. That's controlling." "I want you to handle all the bills, and do all the chores after a 55hr. work week, but I don't want to cook a meal for you, or do anything but watch Netflix and Reality TV, and play games on my phone, because I'm spent when I get home from work." " When you do it, I resent you for it. But when I do it, its ok because I deserve it, and you are considered mean if you say something about it. "I resent you because I have to grocery shop, and you never do it anymore, and I feel like I'm doing everything. But I won't ask you to come with me, or say what's wrong, or I need more help. Ill just hold it in, resent you, put walls around me, kill our love and our marriage, then wait until year 10 and 1 day to plan my escape, collect alimony and child support, divorce you, and start a new life and find a new man.
I am genuinely convinced that these women cannot love you for who you are, but for what you do and how you make then feel about themselves, or what benefit or new experience you can provide to them. But they expect you to love them for who they are and never hold them TO YOUR STANDARDS OR BOUNDARIES. They only look at you as an accessory they're just in love with the idea of you.
I just want to know why I keep seeing it over and over and over, on here, in my personal life, and other family member's life and plenty of divorced men that I speak to, that when a woman's love turn's cold for you, and she wants to push you out of her life. All of a sudden (Especially after children.) She will paint a picture in her head that you are some kind of abusive monster. Some go as far to charge false DV claims against husbands that never laid a finger on them, or raised their voice to them. I've just seen it too many times.
Now ladies. That's not to say we Men don't have our issues either. We cheat, we fall out of love, we get overzealous and greedy for resources, we have MLC's, gambling issues, temperament issues, abuse issues, addictions, etc. I'm really trying to remain balanced, and remember this is a people and societal issue, not a man vs woman issue. But from a financial, legal and logical standpoint from my research. Marriage just isn't worth it in today's era. Too many risks where the Man has nothing to gain, and the Woman based on her emotions in a court of family law, has everything to gain. A man risks his retirement, his finances, his job, his house, and his kids. (Thanks No Fault Divorce Laws.)
Ladies on here like DejaVu6 So Torn, and others, my heart genuinely goes out to you. I genuinely feel for you. But I notice a common theme with the ladies sich's too. These men who have done them wrong are about power too, and who has it. Whether it be emotionally, physically, legally, or financially. Narcisstic men who have power and weild it through manipulation, trickery, selfishness, lack of duty, addictions, affairs, and divorce. When the women take the power over NGS guys like Wolf, Uni and somewhat myself. It pi$$es me off too. We have a serious problem in our society, with moral decay, men and women lacking old traditional values, marriage, pre-marriage, its values and teachings, lack of duty, heavily reliant on emotions, which can now in a family court be 2/3rds of the law. I'm trying not to make this sexist, but just want to expose what is really going on out there today. I've been so quiet about this for months because I don't want to offend anyone here, and have been frowned upon before by other members before for mentioning these things. But I love you guys and mean no disrespect to either sex, it just is what it is and needs to be said if we are going to learn what the symptoms and origins are for causing this today, learn, grow and change from it. People need to be aware of it. I know we can't go backwards in time, but we have to stop this crash course by examining our current values and relationships. I only say all this because I want to be more aware of how people change, for what reasons and influences, etc.
Sorry to blow up your thread Uni. Im just validating what a lot of us, (especially guys) are experiencing, and how the current family legal system has us at a huge disadvantage when it comes to the custody of our children. Ok. Im going to put my mind, and my bias down now, and focus on just self improvement for myself, my son, others, and the people on here. If I stumble upon anything than can help us all feel better, I will share.
